My Life as a White Belt - Reunion (cont.)

Reunion: (cont.)

                Sean and I pass by familiar places.  I laugh as I realize that even after all this time, so much looks and feels the same.  There are changes, for sure, but one of the reasons I love where I grew up is that there is a continuity… a stability.  I could drive most of these roads blindfolded.  Spending time with Sean is amazing.  He listens as I describe the details of my journey over the past year, asking probing questions and adding sage anecdotes at appropriate times.  I have always admired him.  Just like my hometown, he is a rock that I count on.  Not unchanging, but steady.  One of my heroes in life, even if I’ve never come right out and told him so.  I think he knows anyhow.

                We’ve been searching for places to roll.  Small towns aren’t necessarily known for their abundance of mat space, particularly on the weekend.  We strike out, but the BJJ conversation is intense!  Sean collects martial arts info like some people collect stamps.  I always learn something new when we talk.  I promise him that sooner than later we will have a chance to test our jits skills.  It is hard to describe how ecstatic I feel to be able to make that promise.  It wasn’t that long ago that I could barely walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded.

                The reunion isn’t for a few hours, so I go to visit with Sean’s family and my family.  My nieces have grown so much, reminding me that time passes inexorably so we must make the most of it while we can.  We stop to visit my mother, alone with her cats tucked away in the Adirondack foothills home where my brothers and I were raised.  Not by her, but by my grandparents.  Our mother left when I was three and came back when I was sixteen.  She is a survivor, even if she is struggling a bit at the moment.  She is always excited when I visit, which isn’t nearly as much as I would wish.

                I take a few minutes at Sean’s house to clean up and get my ‘good’ clothes on.  I dress up so rarely these days.  I think I only own one tie and that spends most of its time hanging in the closet.  I realize as I am getting ready that I’m not as nervous as I thought I might be.  The people I went to high school with will have grown and changed, suffered and triumphed just as I have.  If nothing else, their capacity for understanding should have improved.

                I walk into the restaurant where our event is being held and spot some familiar faces almost immediately.  Lori and Heidi worked diligently to organize the reunion and I thank them for the opportunity to come together and reminisce.  Stacey, Nicole, and Lou were my neighbors in the tiny ‘suburb’ of Hampton.  I find it to be an interesting societal commentary that even in the confines of rural upstate New York, proximity can still dictate the closeness of relationships to a certain degree.  It is exciting to see old friends and acquaintances, to talk of our lives and how things have changed and how other things have stayed the same.  I am very proud to be healthy and happy at this moment in my life.  I touch base with Jason, another recovering alcoholic.  He’s been sober for five years and gives me wise advice about how to keep on keeping on.  “It never stops being one day at a time, Dan.  Just keep waking up and keeping your perspective.” 

                I spot two of the people I dreaded seeing.  Paula and I had butted heads on more than one occasion in high school, mostly because I was an arrogant prick.  Megan had a penchant for talking about me behind my back and some of the things that made their way through the grapevine bordered on cruel.  I had already figured out how I was going to handle these encounters on the plane ride here, so I take a deep breath and approach Paula first.  I outline what I felt to be my transgressions and apologize on behalf of my younger self.  She laughs and says that she does remember, but that it wasn’t that big of a deal to her.  Life has moved on and she understands that we were kids.  Kids can be mean, ya know?  Megan has already had a few drinks.  She actually asks me to dance.  She has changed a lot since high school.  I decide not to confront her about things that honestly don’t bother me that much anymore, taking a page from Paula’s book of forgiveness.

                As the evening winds down, I am struck by the surreal nature of this scene.  Twenty years have passed and as I look around the room I see so much that has changed, but even more that has remained constant.  The cliques are still there, if a little less obvious.  Best friends in high school are still best friends now in some cases.  Our one significant commonality (the fact that we all went to high school together) is enough to allow for the differences that might normally separate us.  This is a lot more comfortable and enjoyable then what I expected.

                I leave the reunion and spend the rest of the evening with Sean’s family.  Amazing people – they are a source of constant comfort and enlightenment for me.  I feel very lucky to know them.  It was only a year ago when I came to visit last, but so much has changed.  I was miserable then and they counseled me as best as they could, helping me to see some light on what seemed to be a fairly dismal horizon.  Now I share the light of hope and passion and enthusiasm that I have found through jiu jitsu and friendship and wellness in the intervening months.  This is a huge milestone for me and I know that I will never forget it.

My Life as a White Belt - Reunion

Reunion:

                It’s been twenty years since I graduated from high school.  Twenty years.  I find it interesting to note that the last time I approached life with the same fervor and enthusiasm as I do now is probably around the time of that graduation.  I was valedictorian of my class, captain of three varsity sports, and headed to an Ivy League university – the classic overachiever.  I firmly believed that the world was a place that was waiting to be conquered.  Hard work and natural born talent were going to be enough to accomplish any goal that I set.

                I had a rude awakening waiting for me out in the ‘real world’.  I was ill prepared for the challenges that I had to face:  the lures of alcohol and addiction hooked me hard once I left the safe confines of my small, sheltered town in upstate New York.  Still, it is with a joyful heart that I return to that town and the school where I grew up.  I am excited to see family and friends and reconnect with people that I haven’t seen since high school.

                I fly out of Seattle and into Boston because it is significantly cheaper than a flight directly from Portland to Albany.  I also have friends that I want to visit in each of those cities.  Jonas is heading to the Navy soon and it is good to see him, even if it is only for a short while.  We play some pool and talk about the changes in our lives.  He is doing everything he can to be a good father and husband, but it obviously isn’t easy.  Eli seems to be thriving on the opposite coast, and he reminds me that despite the progress I’ve made I need to keep the future in mind.

 I also get the chance to visit with a high school sweetheart in Boston.  Terri is a Harvard grad who currently works as a surgeon.  Seeing her gives me the opportunity to talk about my reservations about taking risks – she encourages me to pursue happiness, in whatever form I may find it.  I resolve then and there to ask out the woman who caught my eye at the gym as soon as I return from this trip.  Life is way too short to miss out on someone like her.

It turns out that a friend of a friend is heading to my next stop from Boston, so I finagle a ride and end up outside of Saratoga.  Temptation waits for me there in the form of an old drinking buddy (Shaggy) and is balanced by the presence of my oldest childhood friend, Sean.  Shaggy Bob’s life reflects the roller coaster ride that mine has been, but he has recently found the Yin to his Yang… a great girl named Erin who appreciates him for who he is, flaws and all.  I break down and try to smoke a cigarette for old time’s sake and nearly throw up after one drag.  That is one habit I won’t be picking back up anytime soon.  The more dangerous temptation of alcohol is easier to resist.  Sean’s presence is supportive and Bob does his best to not push the issue.   We have a blast reminiscing, playing darts, and getting reacquainted after all the years that have gone by.  Even in the face of Shaggy’s annual Manifest Boozery Landmine Croquet, I am able to stay completely sober and reinforce that wisdom that I can have fun without alcohol.

I am very excited and nervous for tomorrow.  I get to see what has changed and what has not.  Opportunities for growth shall most certainly present themselves, if only I can take advantage of them.   

               

My Life as a White Belt - Uncertainty

Uncertainty:

                Tuesday night tournament rounds at the gym can be enlightening, educational, and inspiring.  Tonight they are downright depressing!  I try to implement my ‘A’ game as I prepare for Nationals and it just isn’t working.  I’m getting my guard passed over and over again.  I search for positives to cling to, but there don’t seem to be many.  This is getting rougher by the moment.  It is extremely frustrating and more than a bit disheartening.  I have been drilling and working this technique for a while now.  I should have some success with it ‘in the wild’ by this point.

                Let’s call a spade a spade, shall we?  Insecurity is a demon we all face at some point or another.  My lack of confidence has been a perpetual monkey on my back for years.  I used to put on a good show, but anyone that took the time to get to know me could see past it very quickly.  This uncertainty often got the better of me – I would lie and cheat, take the easy way out, avoid the problem.  I escaped through online fantasy games so that I wouldn’t have to face reality.  That addiction translated into the gambling issue later in life.  I am certain it played a role in my alcoholism as well.

                I still struggle from time to time.  Not nearly as much as in the past, but patterns of behavior and habits of dealing with people and the world can be difficult to change without appropriate motivation.  I feel like I have a lot of positive motivators these days:  my competitive drive, the prospect of new learning, reinforcement from friends.  I need to be more forgiving of myself when I slip and fall.  I am definitely my own worst critic at times.  At other times, the people who might have been the most understanding made different choices that influenced my current insecurity.

                I will never forget the look in her eyes when I told her we wouldn’t have enough money to get everything on the boys’ Christmas lists.  Disappointment intermingled with disgust.  I told her I’d make it up to them.  We’d go someplace special after my next paycheck.  “You’re such a chump, Dan – I don’t know why I married you.  You can’t take care of us.  You can’t do anything right.”  I dodge the ashtray she throws at me and it shatters the sliding glass door behind me.  More bills to pay.  She’s right, too.  If I weren’t a chump, I would have left years ago.  I wouldn’t put up with all this bullshit.  Or would I?  Maybe this is the best I can ask for.  My boys are so strong.  I can be strong for them, too.

                My new sense of integrity drives me to tell Coach Eric about my struggles during rounds.  If I repress this frustration, it is going to come out in some ugly ways.  He looks me in the eye and says, ‘Dude, I have felt what you are feeling a hundred times or more.  It comes with the territory, my friend.  This isn’t tiddlywinks here, its jiu jitsu.  When you ‘lose’, you learn.  You are getting better whether you can see it right now or not.  Keep training.  Mat time is the key.’ 

                Really?  Is it that easy?  He hasn’t steered me wrong yet, so I make a conscious effort to reevaluate my experience and perspective.  Alright, so my best moves were getting beaten on a regular basis tonight.  I’ve been doing this for about 8 months now.  The majority of the people I roll with have multiple years of experience.  Could I recognize what they were doing and modify my positioning to make my game plan more effective?  Absolutely.  Okay.  This feels better; mentally, if not emotionally.  I resolve to persevere.  Nationals are only a couple of weeks away. 

My Life as a White Belt - Examination

Examination:

                Coach Tom is talking to us about having an appropriate mindset when we step on the mat.  He says we need to understand the difference between ‘gym jitsu’ and ‘tournament jiu jitsu’.  I think I get the message.  Basically, when we are training our goal should be to improve our skills and to help our training partners improve as well.  Competition changes that goal to imposing our will and showcasing the skills that we’ve learned.  This lesson goes hand in hand with some other ideas that Tom has shared with us – ‘intensity with a smile’ and ‘elegant ass-kicking’ are his personal extensions of the fundamental tenet of arte suave, “the gentle art”.   Jiu jitsu is the art of timing and of coordination.  It is so much more than technique and flexibility.  There is a mindset that comes with progress in the sport.  A confidence that comes from understanding what your body is capable of.

                I recognize very clearly that I have not progressed to a level where I can draw upon a wellspring of certainty.  I still struggle with demons of the past, both those that I am aware of and those that still hide themselves in my subconscious.  What I have been able to accomplish, however, is to rebuild a foundation of health from which to face those challenges.  Replacing unhealthy habits with productive ones, eliminating stressors by simplification, focusing on the positive possibilities of a new day; these have been the keys to my success. 

                So the connection that becomes apparent to me is that I’m establishing a solid ‘gym jitsu’ game in my life.  As long as I am able to maintain control of my environment, whether by surrounding myself with a solid support network of caring friends and family or staying solidly in my comfort zone, I am able to feel like I am moving forward towards a sense of completion and wholeness.  The more difficult test lies ahead.  It is time to start taking risks.  I miss the highs and lows that come with putting my whole heart and self into my life endeavors.  Just like training in the gym though, I need to prepare myself for the unexpected.  I can think of several things that should help. 

                As far as my addictions are concerned, there are going to be quite a few opportunities to test myself in the near future.  I’m headed back East to my 20^th high school reunion soon and I’m going to be around folks I used to party with.  I fervently believe that I’m strong enough to handle it.  Cigarettes, alcohol, and gambling have no place in my life anymore.

                I am also starting a blog that I can share with anyone who cares to read it.  It’s for me, but if others get some use of it than the benefit becomes all the greater.  I find that when I write things down it grounds me and the life lessons that I hope to share.  The strongest impetus I feel to put my words into text is to reconcile the time from my DUI to present day with the life that happened before it.  I think there is power and fortitude to be found in that connection.  I feel so differently now than I did then.  Some days it seems like I am an entirely new person.

                I’ve also registered for American Nationals.  It’s in Los Angeles at the end of September.   This will be a major test for my jiu jitsu progress, but an even bigger one for my mental and emotional health.  L.A. is where my life got turned upside down and almost ended.  My stepsons are still there and I am making plans to see them.  I believe that I am ready to face whatever may come.  I am no longer afraid.  The tournament of life has a new competitor as well.

My Life as a White Belt - Camaraderie

Camaraderie:

                The Grappling X tournament is being held at a college gymnasium out in an eastern suburb of Portland.  It is small and has only three mats, but as we arrive I anticipate a fun and compelling day of competition.  I have trained hard and worked to develop an applicable set of skills that should serve me well.

                I check the bracket and discover that I am not only the first match of the day, but that I also only have one opponent.  Such is the way of things for those of us that compete in the Master’s divisions of local tournaments.  Since we are guaranteed at least two matches, we’ll have to win the best two of three contests for the gold medal.

                As I warm-up, I notice the other ‘older’ competitors hanging around as they wait for their turn to get on the mat.  We all introduce ourselves and chat about our experiences with jiu jitsu at our various gyms and our expectations for the day.  I even meet my opponent, David.  He is very tall!  We all offer wishes for a good tournament and get ready to start our matches.  This seems to be a universal trait of jiu jitsu tournaments.  I can’t corroborate it for the younger athletes, but there is a true spirit of sportsmanship and respect for those of us who have been around the block.

                Five Rings has brought a solid crew of fifteen teammates today and I feel their strong support as I step onto the mat.  The cheers boost my confidence and I attack immediately, going straight for the classic guard position that I’ve been training.  I slide into guard poorly, grips loose and barely maintaining contact with my heel.  My opponent’s length is making things difficult, but I persist.  I disengage briefly and then renew my offense.  This time my grips are tight and I slowly work my legs into an armbar/triangle pit stop.  As I step over to finish the armbar, David taps and I have won.  All in all, it has taken about thirty-five seconds.

                Coach Eric congratulates me on my victory and prepares me for the next matchup.  I notice that Coach Greg and Coach Nick are also in my corner.  These three have been integral to my progress thus far, and it is heartening to see them all there.  My teammates shout their support from the stands.  I get the chance to watch a new friend from Seaside BJJ compete before I have to tackle David one more time. 

                As we begin, it is obvious that his coach has given him good advice.  He quickly pulls guard on me, almost knocking me off balance in the process.  I work to pass his guard, using a shin slide technique I learned recently.  I get to half guard and then push the other leg through to cross sides position.  But wait, I’m not getting the points.  I hear Eric yelling for me to get my arm free of his legs.  I stack him up in order to do so, but he flips us both over.  Finding a burst of speed, I explode off my back into quarters position.  I just went from a dominant position to a much less desirable one so I try to breathe and relax.  I use an old wrestling technique called the duck out and almost get to his back.  We end up back in quarters and when I try to duck out again, he rotates his legs over and locks in a guillotine choke.

                I feel fine for a moment, comfortable that I am on top and in control.  Then I mistakenly step into his guard.  Darkness enters my peripheral vision and I struggle to create space and keep blood flowing to my head.  I listen for my coach’s voice.  “Step away, pop your head out… posture up!”  I try to follow the instructions, but is a close call before I can finally escape.  The fact that I am gurgling encourages my opponent and he squeezes for all he’s worth.  After what seems an eternity, his arms loosen and I seize the opportunity to lift my head.  I can tell that David is exhausted, so I drive through to mount and ride out the match comfortably ahead on points.  Another victory and the gold medal are mine!

                I cheer on the rest of my teammates: Noah, Evan, Ziggy, Natan, Liz, Preston, Matt, Robert, and the rest all give their all.  At the end of the day we’ve taken home eleven medals and some fantastic experience. 

                More than my victory, I value the sense that I am now a part of a team.  Jiu jitsu is an individual sport and when you step on the mat it is you against the person standing across the mat.  But your team and coaches are the ones that make sure you are ready to be there.  I felt like every one of my training partners was standing there on the mat with me today and my victory is as much theirs as it is mine. 

My Life as a White Belt - Actualization

Actualization:

                I feel like I am hitting my stride.  I recently earned my second stripe and my ‘A’ game is starting to develop.  My ‘classic’ guard drilling has allowed me to feel more and more comfortable being aggressive and attacking for submissions.  I’m still not always able to finish them, but I definitely feel like I have viable options from that position.  The Grappling X tournament is quickly approaching and my confidence level is at an all-time high.

                As the days of summer meander by, I get the sense that everything is coming together.  My addictions no longer control my life.  The insecurities that had such influence over my choices have fallen by the wayside.  Progress and accomplishment have replaced stagnation and failure.  Physically and mentally I feel stronger than ever.  Emotionally, I still struggle at times but only when I dwell overlong on my past.  When I focus on the present, life is good.

                I liken the recent course of my life journey to that of a lesson learned from Coach Nick recently at a ‘Church of Jiu Jitsu’ session.  Part of my struggles to finish submissions from my chosen guard position has been my inability to relax at key moments and let my opponent close space.  Nick had me drill and free roll while consciously focusing on my breathing and relaxation.  This allowed the triangles and armbars to become tighter and more controlled.  The challenges that I face on a daily basis also seem easier to deal with when I allow myself to relax, think, and reason out how to handle them.

                Jiu jitsu is providing an excellent foundation for me to build a life of fulfillment and purpose.  I’ve long been a proponent of an existential outlook.  There are a ton of examples in everyday society that show that if you believe in something strongly enough, your belief can influence reality.  For a long time, I lost sight of that philosophy and allowed the currents of other’s choices (and often my own poor ones) to drag me along.  I relish the feelings of achievement when I look in the mirror or successfully perform a new move during rounds.  These are sensations that have long been missing in my life.

                There can be no doubt that there are still holes to be filled in.  Financially, I’ve limited my ability to choose.  I made a conscious decision months ago to simplify my avenues of income in an effort to reduce stress and allow myself time in my schedule to pursue personal growth.  I can foresee a time in the not-so-distant future where this may need to change.  To be blunt, I can’t keep living on $400 a month and hope that there won’t be any budget emergencies.  Maybe I can start working on my novel again soon.  Or some other writing project that might kick start my dream of turning that into a source of income. 

                I also realize that it would be nice to have someone to share my ups and downs with.  The friends that I am making are truly amazing and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.  But I think it would be pretty swell to add a ‘someone special’ to my life.  I’m not going to settle for just anyone this time around though.  It is going to be someone spectacular; someone with the same passion and drive that I have discovered in myself.  I don’t feel the need to rush this one, though.  I am content to continue working on me.  I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t noticed a particular someone lately though.  She keeps finding her way into my thoughts. 

                Self-actualization is defined as the achievement of one’s full potential through creativity, independence, spontaneity, and a grasp of the real world.  If you had asked me seven months ago if I thought that this was a realistic goal then I probably would have chuckled and sighed and mumbled something about pipe dreams.  This is no longer the case.  I believe, once more, that I can reach that potential.

My Life as a White Belt - Resurrection

(Author’s Note:  Happy Birthday to me!  This entry is dedicated to my brother, to the art of jiu jitsu, and  to my love.  None may realize it, but they’ve each saved my life.)

Resurrection:

The summer breeze on this fine mid-June day blows over my freshly buzzed scalp as I walk up the hill to Five Rings.  I revel in the warmth of the sun and in the chance to once again get on the mat and improve my game.  This is definitely a high point in my life. 

It’s been over three years since I hit the lowest point in my life.  My memories of it are still as vivid as if it happened yesterday, when I let myself think about it:

I can hear the seagulls cry in the distance.  The salt spray from the ocean coats my lips and fills my nostrils.  The bright sunshine tries to pierce through my closed eyelids.  I feel the sand give way beneath my fingers and toes as my muscles begin to relax.  This is the first time in years that I can filter each sense so distinctly.  I definitely could have chosen a worse place to die.  I’ve always loved the beach.

I found out last night that my wife cheated on me.  With a ‘friend’ who also just happened to be her meth dealer.  She’s been lying to me for years about the drugs.  The infidelity was more recent.  Or who knows… maybe she’s been sleeping around during our whole marriage.  It doesn’t matter anymore, really.  All I can seem to do is think about what a chump I’ve been.  I really should have known better.  So many red flags along the way, from the very beginning ‘til now. 

When we met there was so much passion, so much infatuation – I’d never felt that way before.  And she needed me so badly.  So I gave her everything.  My whole life.  I took care of her two children, her niece, and her father.  Defended her when everyone else abandoned her.  All I ever wanted in return was her respect and her love. What I got slowly ate away at my heart, and then finally drove a stake through it.

I went into the casino this morning instead of going to work.  It was my last ditch effort, my request to the universe to show me a sign that I still had some unfinished business here in this existence.  If I won, I’d start over.  Find a new purpose.  But I didn’t win.  I didn’t want to; wouldn’t have stopped playing until it was all gone anyhow.  I saved enough for one last pack of cigarettes and a bottle of sleeping pills. 

The fuzziness blurs the edges of my vision and consciousness starts to fade.  Soon the pain will end.  For me, at least.  One last selfish act that will probably destroy everything that I tried to build.  But I don’t care.  I just want the misery to go away. The crashing of the waves carries me into the unknown.

Darkness overcomes me.

Frantic pounding confuses me.  No more sunlight burning.  Waves still crashing, but the sirens and voices force them into the background.  Someone shoves a tube down my throat and the pain comes crashing back.  I’m not dead.  After all the failures, you’d think I’d at least get this one right.  I curse the paramedic as I recognize him for what he is.  I reach out to hug him when I realize what I had almost done.

Over the next few weeks, family and friends that I thought I’d closed out forever return and with the help of therapists convince me that there are still things worth living for.  I am still miserable, but I keep waking up each day because I don’t want them to be sad.  The medication flattens me out.  Time goes by…  slowly.

It wasn’t until months later that my brother, Dylan, came to get me away from the hellfires of Southern California.  The rains of Oregon slowly started to wash away the past.  But my subconscious self still writhed in emotional turmoil.  I had no direction.  The distance between us did not stop me from thinking about my wife or my sons or the life I had left behind.  It would take years for me to ‘move on’.

The memory of the end of that part of my life doesn’t grieve me like it once did.  I celebrate that day as a moment of enlightenment.  I would not value the amazing things that I have since discovered if I had not been in that dismal predicament.  The beauty and kindness that I experience on a daily basis from those that truly care about me shine that much brighter because of that day.  The infirmity of my hospitalization make me value my health and ability to roll with my new friends that much more.

I am glad I didn’t die that day.  I am committed to one day making a difference in the lives of those that may believe as I once did… that they don’t have anything left to give.  For now, I am content to walk up this road and into the gym and focus on becoming someone that I like to be around.  Soon enough, I will have the reserves and confidence to share my story with the world.

My Life as a White Belt - Relation

Relation:

                There are times when I am rolling that it occurs to me that the harder I strain to make a position or move happen, the easier it becomes for my partner to escape or gain the upper hand.  On the other hand, sometimes when I bide my time and wait for an opening then I can secure control and get a dominant position.  I’ve made active strides towards phasing out the ‘Grrr’- jitsu aspects of my game by focusing on being technical, patient, and relaxed.

                A few months ago I started dating again.  It was a difficult decision to put myself back into the scene.  By putting time into my recovery and into achieving my personal goals, I have felt the greatest improvements in the most meaningful areas of my life.  To be quite honest, I was most motivated by loneliness.  It has been years and years since I lived completely on my own and longer than that since I was single for any length of time.  So I decided to give online dating a try.  As I’ve learned recently, sometimes taking a risk can reap great rewards.

                The woman I met was, in short, a wonderful person.  We communicated well and had fun when we spent time together.  Over a few months and several dates we got to know about each other – backgrounds, interests, goals.  I felt like I was going about the relationship building in the ‘right’ way, if there is such a thing.  I had a great deal of respect for her and appreciated her candor when it came to how she felt about me.  She felt like we might have a good future together if I was willing to commit more of myself to the relationship.

 I had decided to try to get to know my partner without rushing into the physical aspect of the relationship.  Initially, this was motivated by wanting to take things slowly in order to see if everything else worked between us.  As time went on, I realized that, at least for my part, the ‘spark’ was missing.  It occurs to me that many of my friends have expressed this kind of sentiment when dating, but it was a new experience for me.  Generally, if some part of the equation was good in the past I would try to force the rest of the issue.  Make things work, as it were.  Every single one of those relationships progressed with a good share of drama and ended badly, for one person or the other or both. 

My new friend is now telling me with tears in her eyes that she doesn’t want to continue dating me.  I have been honest with her about my feelings all the way through our dating process and she has realized that she wants more than I have to offer.  I am deeply saddened by her choice, but I can feel nothing but respect for her.  She is choosing to move on rather than to try to change me to fit her needs.  I realize as she walks out the door that I am proud of myself for standing my ground and not giving into an easier emotional course of action.   I will be ready when I’m ready.  I will know that person who I want to share my life with when I find them and I won’t feel the need to force anything. 

For now, I will continue to work on me.  I still have these gaping holes in my emotional, mental, and physical selves.  I am making progress and I feel great about how far I’ve come.  But it is patience and fortitude that will get me to my ultimate goals – feeling comfortable in my own skin, having the confidence to take on anything life throws at me, and sharing of myself in healthy ways.  My loneliness is an extension of insecurities that I am trying to leave behind.  It isn’t easy.  I am starting to believe that most, if not all, things in life that are worth pursuing require some obstacles to be overcome and challenges to be met.

This is a major turning point for me, however, and I must recognize it as such.  The past had shown me to be incapable of the kind of maturity I feel like I demonstrated in dealing with this relationship.  Not only did I stay true to myself, but the honesty and patience with which I handled things prevented both of us from greater pain in the future.  Pain that I used to pursue with the same passion that I now chase health and growth.  Life lessons rarely stand out so clearly and I feel grateful that I can acknowledge this one as much as I can.

Patience.  Focus.  Determination.  I’m getting there.

My Life as a White Belt - Dedication

Dedication:

                There are three things that I promised myself when I walked away from the car crash last Halloween.  Three things that I knew had to change or I was going to become a statistic.  Or worse.  Some of these things were ideas that had been floating around in my head for months, but that for one reason or another I couldn’t commit to doing.  Almost killing yourself and someone else has a way of motivating change.

                The first promise I made was to never take another drink or put anything into my body that would cause me to lose my decision making ability.  Never again would the excuse – “But I was drunk” come out of my mouth.  No more apologies for saying or doing something that I only vaguely remember in the first place.  Drugs and alcohol would no longer play a role in my life or be the demon that led me astray.

                Perhaps this might come as a surprise to some, but this has been the easiest promise for me to keep.  It has been as ‘easy’ as not putting a glass or bottle to my lips.  The images of flashing lights and screams that bubble up in my head every time I think about drinking discourage the activity to a great degree.  And every day that I don’t take a drink helps to reinforce not taking one as well.  The smiles from new friends; never having to deal with a hangover; being able to get on the mat and roll every day! These things are supremely motivating.

                The second promise was to stop taking my life for granted.  I am not a religious person, nor do I imagine that I will ever be.  But as I realized how close to death I came (again) it became apparent that there are some things in this world that I can and cannot control.  If I did not take command of the things that I could actively participate in then I was simply floating on the breeze – allowing the world to push me where it would and fall when it chose.  I promised to give myself wings.  Not enough to stop the rare strike of lightning, but something to let me dictate where I would go and what I would do. 

                Jiu jitsu is the framework of the wings of my life.  Like Daedalus, I have worked hard to construct a lasting mechanism to be able to fly straight and escape from the bondage of my past.  The routine of training and the discipline of the ‘gentle’ art give me the foundation to build a better future on.  The relationships and support network that I have established are the feathers for those wings.  Amazing friendships and stronger family ties have given me the ability and confidence to take risks and go places that I never thought I would see again… or ever, in some cases.   But to avoid the pain of his eventual loss (his son, Icarus, flew too close to the sun) I have come to realize that the wax holding the feathers is my resolve.  My decisions will ultimately determine where and when I will land. Or if I will crash before finding that resting place.

                It is a little more difficult to explain the third promise.  There was a time in my life when I felt like a leader of people.  An example that others could look up to.  Back in high school I was the captain of three varsity sports teams and the valedictorian of my class.  It was a great feeling to know that others looked to me for guidance or wisdom, even if it at that point the parameters of my knowledge were much narrower than they are now.  My third promise was a vow to rediscover that leader in me; to become someone who was able to share the successes and failures of his life with the hopes that others could find inspiration or take comfort in them.  This promise has been the hardest to keep.  It has been a challenge to reach beyond myself and consider the needs of others, but I slowly find opportunities arising to do so.  Whether it is the new white belt asking for help with a move or a friend that just needs someone to listen to them or my niece and nephew needing help with their math homework there are now times when I am able to give of myself and feel like what I am giving is not tainted by the selfishness and pain of the past.

                Promises are funny things.  They are only as strong as the person that makes them. I am becoming stronger every day.   And as time passes these three promises are leading me to a treasure I thought was long lost to me.  Integrity.

My Life as a White Belt - Addiction

Addiction:

                Is this the sixth, seventh, or eighth class I’ve been to this week?  I lose track sometimes.  I find myself coming to Five Rings more and more often.  I go to morning and evening classes pretty much every day and they recently started up a midday class that fits my schedule on Mondays and Wednesdays as well.

 The instructor, Greg, is a purple belt that recently started training with us after moving here from California.  Great guy, even if he is a Patriots fan.  Seriously, how anyone still likes that team after my G-men crushed their ‘perfect’ season back in ’07 escapes me.  Anyhow, his perspective and coaching style are very different from Coach Tom’s and Coach Eric’s.  I find myself feeling more and more well-rounded after each of his sessions, particularly when he teaches a move I already think I know from an angle that I didn’t consider before.

We’ve got another tournament on the horizon.  This one is called the Grappling X.  It’s an independently run competition and we’re taking a small crew of people out to compete.  Still, I’m pretty excited to get back on the mat.  So, I guess that could be one reason that I’m up here so much.  But if I’m being completely honest with myself then I have to acknowledge the other reasons, too.  I’m getting addicted to the social network I have established, as well as the positive growth and changes in my body and fitness level.  It’s nice to feel like I’m learning something every time I come here, too.  It wasn’t that long ago that my addictions were a lot less healthy and a lot more detrimental to my well-being.

I remember the first time I stepped into the casino and sat down at the tables.  Yeah, on top of being a smoker and an alcoholic, I was a gambling addict to boot.  There was a difference, though.  Nicotine and alcohol had their claws in me early in life and didn’t represent much of anything but an ongoing disease that I never treated.  Gambling was something new.  A true psychological escape.  That first time I started putting real money down I realized that I could lose myself in the rush.  I didn’t have to think about what my wife was doing behind my back while I commuted two hundred miles (anywhere from five to seven hours) from Palm Springs to Los Angeles and back every day.  I didn’t have to worry about the unpaid bills or the birthday present for my stepson that I couldn’t afford or that sneaking suspicion that my co-workers at school knew something was wrong with me.  All I had to worry about was that next card.  The next roll of the dice.  The lie that I could tell myself to make it all okay:  “One big payday is all you need to turn things around, Dan.  Just a little bit of luck.”

I remember the calls from my wife that I would ignore because I didn’t want to hear her yell.  Even worse were the ones from my stepsons that I would ignore because I was too ashamed to tell them that I’d blown my entire paycheck again.  I even hit the big payday more than once, only to walk out of the casino doors having lost it all.  It was then that I knew that it wasn’t about the money.  It was about getting away from the misery my life had become in the easiest way I could find.  Then came the borrowed money (family, coworkers, payday loans)  followed not too long after by losing the house, losing the job, and almost losing my life.  I’d become really, really good at losing.  In retrospect, I realize that it’s a pattern.  I’d developed a habit; an addiction, if you will, to losing.  It’s like I was searching for the bottom of the barrel.  And then, I finally found it.

It’s difficult to relate my current experience of falling in love with the art of jiu jitsu as an addiction because of all the negative associations that I have with that word.  I even went so far as to look it up to see if it really was fitting.  The dictionary definition does mandate that there are negative consequences associated with an addiction, so since I am finding it very difficult to identify any that result from the time I spend at the gym I am going to modify my descriptor to a habit.  I wonder if I can make up my own terminology and call it a ‘positive addiction’.  Heh.  Why not?

I do feel like I am at the tables sometimes when I get to Five Rings.  It is an escape, of sorts, but more like the way meditation is an escape.  I feel like I am getting myself ‘right’ when I am working out or rolling with my friends.  I most definitely am not avoiding anything.  Nor do I feel any shame.  Just the opposite!  I feel proud and enlightened and ecstatic when I am here.  If this is a new addiction, then I wouldn’t have it any other way.  My coaches are ‘enabling’ me to be a healthy, contributing member of society again.  The friends I have made definitely make me ‘high’ with the laughter and love that I feel when we hang out.

As summer rolls on, my jiu jitsu game continues to improve.  It’s a heck of a lot better than my poker game ever was.

My Life as a White Belt - Pater Familias

Pater Familias:

                Saulo Ribeiro is larger than life.  For months I have heard my coaches and teammates speak of the man in respectful tones as they relate tales of his world championships and his renowned ability to communicate jiu jitsu to others.  He is the head of the Ribeiro Jiu Jitsu association, and he is standing right in front of me.  I am, quite simply, in awe.

                When I found out that Saulo was coming to do a seminar for us, I watched videos of his matches.  He is more than just a champion – he has beaten some of the biggest names in the sport.  He is also the founder of the University of Jiu Jitsu, which is an innovative approach to teaching jiu jitsu and the basis for the handbook that Five Rings uses as an academy.  The opportunity to learn some great things has presented itself and I want to make the most of it.  He came to observe Five Rings members and offer feedback on our training last night and now he is conducting an open seminar. 

                This isn’t the first time I have been around celebrities; I attended Yale University and there were more than a few big name stars that went to school with me there (Jennifer Connolly, Sara Gilbert, Christie Martin, heck… Josh Saviano was in my fraternity and played Paul Pfeiffer on the Wonder Years).  This is different, though.  I am aware of what it takes for this man to have accomplished the things that he has:  the hard work, the dedication, the years of training and perseverance, as well the passion to bring his style and message to those who would learn from him.  I feel honored to be in his presence.

                I feel some surprise when I see how friendly and warm Saulo is as he walks among my Five Rings brothers and sisters.  There is a great turnout for the seminar and he makes a point of trying to greet all of us personally with a smile and offer some words of encouragement.  His Brazilian background is evidenced by a strong accent that I find oddly endearing.  One thing strikes me quite profoundly.  If I am not mistaken, he is approximately the same age that I am.  Wow.

                He gathers us for warm-ups and it quickly becomes apparent that we are in for something different than we are used to.  The exercises are a bit more traditional to the point of being a little formal.  I am impressed by how intense some of the activities are and at how the movements loosen up some different muscles than I am used to.  Saulo is akin to a cheerleader, in that he keeps us pumped up and excited all the time.  I don’t think I’ve ever smiled quite this much while doing calisthenics.

                Coach Tom says of Saulo, and I quote – “He is a master of teaching techniques in a simple, easy to understand way that is immediately applicable and usable in one’s game.”   I notice this for myself almost from the start of the seminar.  I am severely lacking in my bottom guard game.  The attacks that I feel comfortable with from that position are basically non-existent.  This is not from lack of instruction, either.  I just haven’t found that base from which I feel comfortable moving and creating space.  It may stem to some degree from that fact that being on my back or even on an edge is still kind of foreign to me.  As a wrestler, exposing your back to the mat was about as ‘wrong’ as something could be.  That being said, Saulo just demonstrated a position that he calls ‘classic guard’.  From closed guard you break down your opponent’s posture using a cross lapel grip and a same side sleeve grip (hand position #3!).  As they attempt to recover, you open your guard and place your sleeve grip side heel in their hip and the other heel into their shoulder, bicep, or other hip.  Your grips give you pull, while your heel placement gives you the opportunity to extend their body.  If done properly, you gain a lot of control over your opponent and Saulo demonstrates several different attacks from that base position (armbar, triangle, cross choke, omaplata, and sweep).   I feel my pulse quicken as I start to understand the possibilities.  A few drills later I become even more excited at the level of comfort I feel from this position.  I think I may have just found my guard bottom ‘go-to’ starting point.

                I am extremely grateful to have the opportunity to learn from a six time world champion.  His accomplishments are not something that I personally aspire to at this point in my life, but the way he carries himself and interacts with others are definitely traits that I would like to acquire.  His method of teaching is effective and seemed to offer something to everyone in the room.  I wonder if I could ever coach jiu jitsu.  That would be an amazing way for me to get back into teaching.  Food for thought, for sure.

                An unusual urge comes over me as the seminar comes to a close…  I find myself wanting this man’s autograph!  I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before.  What the heck, I may as well run with it.  I’ve experienced a lot of new things lately so it just feels right to go with this one.  Everybody needs a hero to look up to. 

My Life as a White Belt - Reflection

Reflection:

                I smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol for close to twenty years.  I went through phases where I was drinking a two liter bottle of Pepsi and eating a box of fast food fried chicken for breakfast, then smoking the remainder of a pack of Marlboros for dinner.  Shortly before starting on the path of jiu jitsu I had ballooned to two hundred fifteen pounds and had failed at my first attempt to quit smoking.  I also felt a ton of anxiety over common stressors that others seemed to be able to take in stride.  I battled depression on a daily basis.

 I look at myself in the mirror these days and see myself transitioning to a much healthier place.  I have lost close to twenty pounds in five months; my diet has greatly improved; I feel good about waking up in the morning.  More than any of that, what makes me feel the greatest sense of accomplishment is that I can see how I am now able to set goals and achieve them.  Whether it is on or off the mat, the things that I want for myself are slowly, but surely, coming to fruition.  I have to stop once in a while and take stock of how this is happening.

Hard work?  Check.  I take care of my job responsibilities and do a little more than is required in order to stay in good standing with my employer.  I am at the gym or on the road (running) whenever possible in order to improve my technique and conditioning.  Perseverance?  For certain.  This process has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever tried to do.  I wake up sore and tired every day.  I make next to nothing and go without whenever possible in order to maintain this lifestyle.  Focus?  Drive?  Motivation?  You better believe it.  I will never go back to where I was.  That pain… that guilt… those feelings of insignificance.  Never.

Greater than any of these, however, is forgiveness.  I have learned how to be kinder to myself.  I have discovered that I will never be capable of accepting love or loving someone else if I do not first love myself.  A cliché?  Perhaps.  But a deep truth, nonetheless.  One that escaped me for far too many years.  Being my own best friend has been the most eye-opening experience of my life.  It has allowed confidence to replace arrogance, wellness to overcome self-destruction, and social empowerment to remove isolation.

I am having friends over to my apartment for the UFC fights tonight.  I am excited to once again feel good about organizing social events and allowing people into my private space.   As I get out of the shower and get ready for the evening, I look again into the mirror.  A different person looks back.  Not perfect, but more capable of being happy than at any other time in my life.  Let’s get ready to rumble!  ;)

My Life as a White Belt - Discovery

Discovery:

                Today we are getting a rare treat.  Cadu Francis, one of our association’s most accomplished black belts, is visiting to teach a session for Five Rings members.  I have seen him on Xande’s videos that play in an almost constant loop on the screen in the gym’s front lobby so I know who to look for as I warm up on the mat.  I remember joking with some teammates about how he has trouble focusing his eyes on one spot during the tapings.  I realize that I probably won’t share those jokes with him.  He’s a large man and has been a black belt for over nine years.   As he enters with Coach Tom, I feel a thrill of anticipation for the coming lesson.  I have really developed a love for this sport.

There are a lot of newer and unfamiliar faces here today.  As for Jeff Glover, the big names of the sport seem to bring the folks from the morning, afternoon, and evening classes together.  It’s nice to see the community as a whole.  Definitely makes me feel like part of an extended family.  I see one of our purple belts and am reminded that I don’t get along with every part of this new family. 

I’ve only met him once before, but it was kind of humiliating.  His cavalier attitude towards my inability to effectively roll with him hurt my feelings and I was too intimidated at the time to express that.  Now I’ve harbored this resentment towards him and I don’t know how to fix it.  Ah, well, perhaps time will present me with an opportunity to do so.  Patience is another personal attribute that I’ve been working on developing. 

Cadu shows us a variety of warm-ups, which are interesting because it is my first experience with some of the more traditional jiu jitsu exercises and pre-workout routines.  He then moves into a flow drill, a pass (not surprisingly dubbed the ‘Cadu’ pass), and a choke that I think is impressive, but that I am finding hard to implement.  I can tell that he has put a lot of thought and reflection into his presentation.  He makes a point to come around to each of us and offers tips on how to implement the techniques.  My partner and I work through the moves and give each other feedback. 

While this isn’t the first time I’ve partnered with a female, this is definitely the first time I’ve worried about adjusting my intensity dial when rolling with one.  Jessica and Lindsay are blue belts and seem to have a way of deflecting my heavier weight and redirecting my attacks so that my greater strength doesn’t always work to my advantage.  Liz, at first glance, seems to be a different story.  If she weighs more than a buck twenty I’d eat my gi, which means she is spotting me a good sixty-five pounds or so.  On top of that, she’s relatively new to jiu jitsu.  I am more than a little wary of hurting her by accident. 

As the seminar progresses, it becomes readily apparent that my fear is unfounded and unnecessary.  Liz is a beast!  Along with the excellent lessons in jiu jitsu that I am getting from Cadu, I am also getting the unexpected bonus of one in humility.  Her speed and surprising strength astonish me, and allow me to turn up the intensity dial to where it would normally be.  This leads to some solid jiu jitsu ‘conversation’ (as Coach Tom likes to call it) and we are able to give each other good feedback.  If I am not mistaken, from the way she moves Liz has a background in wrestling.  I wonder if she competed in high school. 

Cadu and Coach Tom wrap up the session and we have the opportunity to meet with our guest teacher.  I get the opportunity to ask him about his jiu jitsu journey and I am struck by how humble his explanation is - “I am grateful for every day that I can step on the mat,” he says.  Powerful words that remain in my mind and cause me to reflect on what I learned today about assumptions and my preconceptions about women in my sport.  Male, female, young, and old; there is an opportunity for everyone to succeed and thrive in the world of jiu jitsu.  It also reminds me that the journey is too short for resentment.  I’m going to approach that purple belt soon and clear the air.  The journey is too short and I am not who I used to be.