Actualization:
I feel like I am hitting my stride. I recently earned my second stripe and my ‘A’ game is starting to develop. My ‘classic’ guard drilling has allowed me to feel more and more comfortable being aggressive and attacking for submissions. I’m still not always able to finish them, but I definitely feel like I have viable options from that position. The Grappling X tournament is quickly approaching and my confidence level is at an all-time high.
As the days of summer meander by, I get the sense that everything is coming together. My addictions no longer control my life. The insecurities that had such influence over my choices have fallen by the wayside. Progress and accomplishment have replaced stagnation and failure. Physically and mentally I feel stronger than ever. Emotionally, I still struggle at times but only when I dwell overlong on my past. When I focus on the present, life is good.
I liken the recent course of my life journey to that of a lesson learned from Coach Nick recently at a ‘Church of Jiu Jitsu’ session. Part of my struggles to finish submissions from my chosen guard position has been my inability to relax at key moments and let my opponent close space. Nick had me drill and free roll while consciously focusing on my breathing and relaxation. This allowed the triangles and armbars to become tighter and more controlled. The challenges that I face on a daily basis also seem easier to deal with when I allow myself to relax, think, and reason out how to handle them.
Jiu jitsu is providing an excellent foundation for me to build a life of fulfillment and purpose. I’ve long been a proponent of an existential outlook. There are a ton of examples in everyday society that show that if you believe in something strongly enough, your belief can influence reality. For a long time, I lost sight of that philosophy and allowed the currents of other’s choices (and often my own poor ones) to drag me along. I relish the feelings of achievement when I look in the mirror or successfully perform a new move during rounds. These are sensations that have long been missing in my life.
There can be no doubt that there are still holes to be filled in. Financially, I’ve limited my ability to choose. I made a conscious decision months ago to simplify my avenues of income in an effort to reduce stress and allow myself time in my schedule to pursue personal growth. I can foresee a time in the not-so-distant future where this may need to change. To be blunt, I can’t keep living on $400 a month and hope that there won’t be any budget emergencies. Maybe I can start working on my novel again soon. Or some other writing project that might kick start my dream of turning that into a source of income.
I also realize that it would be nice to have someone to share my ups and downs with. The friends that I am making are truly amazing and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. But I think it would be pretty swell to add a ‘someone special’ to my life. I’m not going to settle for just anyone this time around though. It is going to be someone spectacular; someone with the same passion and drive that I have discovered in myself. I don’t feel the need to rush this one, though. I am content to continue working on me. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t noticed a particular someone lately though. She keeps finding her way into my thoughts.
Self-actualization is defined as the achievement of one’s full potential through creativity, independence, spontaneity, and a grasp of the real world. If you had asked me seven months ago if I thought that this was a realistic goal then I probably would have chuckled and sighed and mumbled something about pipe dreams. This is no longer the case. I believe, once more, that I can reach that potential.
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