Relation:
There are times when I am rolling that it occurs to me that the harder I strain to make a position or move happen, the easier it becomes for my partner to escape or gain the upper hand. On the other hand, sometimes when I bide my time and wait for an opening then I can secure control and get a dominant position. I’ve made active strides towards phasing out the ‘Grrr’- jitsu aspects of my game by focusing on being technical, patient, and relaxed.
A few months ago I started dating again. It was a difficult decision to put myself back into the scene. By putting time into my recovery and into achieving my personal goals, I have felt the greatest improvements in the most meaningful areas of my life. To be quite honest, I was most motivated by loneliness. It has been years and years since I lived completely on my own and longer than that since I was single for any length of time. So I decided to give online dating a try. As I’ve learned recently, sometimes taking a risk can reap great rewards.
The woman I met was, in short, a wonderful person. We communicated well and had fun when we spent time together. Over a few months and several dates we got to know about each other – backgrounds, interests, goals. I felt like I was going about the relationship building in the ‘right’ way, if there is such a thing. I had a great deal of respect for her and appreciated her candor when it came to how she felt about me. She felt like we might have a good future together if I was willing to commit more of myself to the relationship.
I had decided to try to get to know my partner without rushing into the physical aspect of the relationship. Initially, this was motivated by wanting to take things slowly in order to see if everything else worked between us. As time went on, I realized that, at least for my part, the ‘spark’ was missing. It occurs to me that many of my friends have expressed this kind of sentiment when dating, but it was a new experience for me. Generally, if some part of the equation was good in the past I would try to force the rest of the issue. Make things work, as it were. Every single one of those relationships progressed with a good share of drama and ended badly, for one person or the other or both.
My new friend is now telling me with tears in her eyes that she doesn’t want to continue dating me. I have been honest with her about my feelings all the way through our dating process and she has realized that she wants more than I have to offer. I am deeply saddened by her choice, but I can feel nothing but respect for her. She is choosing to move on rather than to try to change me to fit her needs. I realize as she walks out the door that I am proud of myself for standing my ground and not giving into an easier emotional course of action. I will be ready when I’m ready. I will know that person who I want to share my life with when I find them and I won’t feel the need to force anything.
For now, I will continue to work on me. I still have these gaping holes in my emotional, mental, and physical selves. I am making progress and I feel great about how far I’ve come. But it is patience and fortitude that will get me to my ultimate goals – feeling comfortable in my own skin, having the confidence to take on anything life throws at me, and sharing of myself in healthy ways. My loneliness is an extension of insecurities that I am trying to leave behind. It isn’t easy. I am starting to believe that most, if not all, things in life that are worth pursuing require some obstacles to be overcome and challenges to be met.
This is a major turning point for me, however, and I must recognize it as such. The past had shown me to be incapable of the kind of maturity I feel like I demonstrated in dealing with this relationship. Not only did I stay true to myself, but the honesty and patience with which I handled things prevented both of us from greater pain in the future. Pain that I used to pursue with the same passion that I now chase health and growth. Life lessons rarely stand out so clearly and I feel grateful that I can acknowledge this one as much as I can.
Patience. Focus. Determination. I’m getting there.
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