My Life is a White Belt - Citizenship

Citizenship:

                Coach Tom asks Liz and me to make sure that we show up to tournament rounds because some of our peers are getting promoted.  He assures us that we’re on the radar, too, but because of our recent injuries we’ll just be there to support and initiate our teammates.  There are quite a few people ‘on deck’ for promotion and it’s exciting to be a part of that process for them.  I feel a brief moment of disappointment that I’m not getting my blue belt, but I stifle it quickly.  My time will come. 

                Life is solid right now.  There are moments of extreme joy and sadness, but these are not the turning points that they used to be.  I appreciate them for what they are.  What I’ve come to recognize is that the larger spectrum of ups and downs contains an incredible rainbow of experience.  Sometimes I find the most happiness in the routine of a ‘normal’ day.  Training, working, writing… the intangibles of consistent effort are something that I have come to value a great deal.  On the other hand, the variety of managing relationships and enjoying the passions of my friends keeps life interesting.  It’s a balancing act of personal growth and I love every second. 

                Tuesday night comes quickly and Five Rings is packed.  I look around the room and see the familiar faces of friends and training partners ; these are my compatriots on my journey.  I see Jonathan, Ziggy, and Evan.  Those teenagers have been sitting on the edge of blue for a while now and from my experiences rolling with them it wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if they got promoted tonight.  Noah is another one – a former wrestler who has won a couple of tournaments at the white belt level and is quite simply, a monster.  Great body awareness, particularly considering he’s right around 250 lbs. 

                We start off with some closed guard positional sparring and I look for an opportunity to roll with the guys that will be getting their blue belts.  Five Rings doesn’t test like some academies do, but there is a bit of a gauntlet to pass before getting promoted.  For ninety minutes you are pushed to your physical limits by your coaches and fellow jiu jitsu practitioners.  All of the people I think might be getting promoted are taken, so Robert and I pair up.  We get after it and he just works me.  My neck is feeling the punishment from the repeated bow and arrow chokes, for sure.  The next round I hook in with Toby, one of our judo takedown instructors.  I do a little better, getting a sweep and some half guard time in.  I can tell it is going to be an interesting evening.  Everyone is on their game.

                As time progresses, I notice a pattern.  Louie brings his ‘A’ level when we roll.  Coach Greg hits me with three or four chokes and even yells at me to keep working when my energy starts to flag.  This strikes me as a little unusual because he normally gives me some room to work when we roll.  Every time I head for one of my regular training partners I get snagged by an upper belt.  The rounds are also coming fast and furious so I don’t get a chance to get off the mat for a break, either.  More submissions, more domination, more encouragement to work harder.  I am feeling the workout tonight! 

                Sweat pours down my face and my breathing is labored, to say the least.  I get Toby again for what Coach Tom likes to call ‘Oh Shucks’ drills.  We start with our partner in the position we find most challenging – for many, it is mount bottom or back with hooks.  I have Toby start in cross sides because I’ve been struggling with that position a lot lately.  Again, he brings it to me.  I have very little room and less energy to try to escape.  He holds me down as cheering starts erupting from around me.  At this point I’ve figured out that something isn’t exactly as I was told, but I’m so tired that it hasn’t clicked in yet.  More cheers and I hear Coach say that the best way to celebrate promotions is to keep rolling.  I try my hardest. 

                After what seems like an eternity, Toby rolls me over and I try to pass his guard.  I feel something hook around my waist from behind.  Toby catches my eye and smiles.  I drop to my knees as I realize what is happening and bury my face in my hands.  I see flashes of fresh blue material as I peek out from between my fingers.  I am so exhausted physically and now my emotions take a huge hit.  I have worked hard and for many hours to reach this landmark.  I can’t hold back the tears.

                In this moment, the changes in my life are highlighted.  It is almost exactly a year since I started down my new path of discovery and challenges.  My capacity for appreciating the world that I exist in has increased exponentially.  I savor every ounce of sweat and blood that it has taken to get here.  I recognize each person that has helped along the way, and give credit where it is due.  My fears and insecurities have faded to the background, replaced by confidence and purpose.

                I finally rise to my feet and stumble around the mat, accepting congratulations and offering them to the others that were promoted with me.  I’d predicted it fairly well – Noah, Ziggy, Evan, and Jonathan all got their blue.  From out of the corner of my eye I spot a streak of blonde hustling towards me.  I open my arms wide and embrace Liz – the blue around her waist matches her eyes.  This is a moment I will never forget for the rest of my life. 

                This is not an end, but a beginning.  The year of training has shown me how much I still have to learn and how much room there is for growth.  I look forward to improving my jiu jitsu and helping others to do the same through taking on more coaching opportunities.  I will continue to compete as long as my body allows me to do so.  I cannot express appropriately the amount of gratitude that I have for the Five Rings community – my coaches, teammates, training partners, and friends that have walked every step of this journey with me. 

                (Author’s note:  Well, folks, this is it!  Thank you for reading along as I shared my life as a white belt with you.  It is my sincere desire that you were able to take something useful away from it – even if it was only some entertainment.  It is my intent to review, revise, edit, and add to this blog… more entries, photos, videos and hopefully publish it in the near future.  I’ll keep you posted when it gets close to completion.  My novel is progressing nicely.  If all goes as planned then I should have something ready to submit for publication by the end of summer.  I’d like to give a special thanks to Eric Dorsett, Tom Oberhue, Nick Burke, Robert Wolfe, and Nathan Jeffers for allowing me to use their names and our experiences together in this blog.  Liz Tracy – for all that you have been and continue to be in my life… thank you.)

My Life as a White Belt - Courage

Courage:

                People seem to handle the complexities of life with varying degrees of success.  Some are able to handle work, family, friends, and finances with ease while others struggle to regulate even the simplest of personal issues.  The brief time I’ve spent in this particular existence has shown me that the key to my happiness lies in recognizing where my limits are and continually pushing those boundaries (albeit with varying degrees of pressure, as needed).  Growth is important.  Knowing when I’m overloaded or stagnating is, too.   

                I’ve painstakingly examined and adjusted the balance of simplicity and complexity in my life on an almost daily basis.  Sometimes it is very obvious – like when I feel like I am overtraining at the gym, I take some time off.  If I feel like I’m sitting in front of the TV or computer for too long I go out for a run.  Those come pretty easily to me now, even if they didn’t in the past.  There are other, more instinctual choices that I make as well.  Investments of my time and effort into people that may need my help require some intuitive analysis.  Reactions to the unexpected or uncontrollable, particularly in relationships, need to be tempered by reason and experienced with emotion.

                Fear is still my greatest enemy.  It comes in all flavors.  Insecurity, anxiety, panic, dread – all of them dance in my subconscious, threatening to steal the progress I’ve made.  As I’ve added more complexity to my life the fear gets harder to keep at bay.  I have to use the tools I’ve developed to combat it.  Confidence, reliance, belief, and trust - these are my allies.  I know that if I stay true to the path I’ve chosen then I can continue to be happy, achieve my goals, and find fulfillment in my life. 

                Thanksgiving is an interesting time for me.  I’ve had so many different experiences at this time of year.  Last year, for instance, was wonderful.  I spent the day with my brother’s family and his in-laws.  It was my first sober holiday, and I was surrounded by supportive, loving people.  I had a lot to be thankful for.  The fact that I was still breathing, for one.  On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve suffered through nightmarish ‘Jerry Springer’ style family blowouts with all the ridiculous drama those entail.  Even worse, at times, were the Thanksgivings eating out at a restaurant, alone.  This year I spend it with my girlfriend, Liz, and her family.  They are warm and welcoming and I am reminded of all the things I have to express gratitude for.  There is good food, great conversation, and lots of laughs.

                Every day is a new day, filled with possibility.  Whether I am met with joy or disappointment, laughter or sadness I know that I am alive and that I am powerful beyond measure.  I have not conquered fear, but I am much more willing to face it.  I have heard it said that the difference between courage and stupidity is that in order to be brave you must be aware of the danger and choose to act anyhow.  Idiocy is born of ignorance.  I have witnessed many forms of courage.   Standing up for what you believe to be right, in the face of peer pressure.  Honesty, even when the consequence is severe loss. Pursuing future dreams that could benefit many others at the expense of current ones that impact primarily you.  I push myself to own this kind of courage.

                (Author’s note:  Most of my readers have adjusted to the fact that this is a retrospective.  It is currently mid-February as I finish writing this second-to-last entry.  I want to thank everyone for the feedback that I’ve received and for the chance to share my journey with you.  While I have no current plans to continue the blog after the next entry, I will be fine-tuning and adding to this one with the hopes of publishing it someday soon.  Thanks again for all of your support.)

My Life as a White Belt - Reminiscence

Reminiscence:

                I look up into my mother’s face as she whispers to me that everything is going to be fine.  “You can take one toy, Danny, quickly then go to the truck with your brothers.”  I trust her, but it’s dark and cold outside.  “Where going?” my three-year-old brain stumbles to make connections.  “Somewhere safe, away from here,” replies Darryll, my oldest brother.  As the tailgate shuts on the little green Toyota truck, the image of the only home I’ve ever known is burned into my memory.  The beloved pets, the yard that I played in daily, and the father that caused so much pain left behind.

When I was a young boy, my mother took my brothers and me from our home to escape the abuses of my biological father.  She left us with her parents not too long after that.  My grandparents tried their best to raise another set of kids, but three rambunctious boys must have been a serious challenge more often than not.  They provided food, shelter, and clothing.  They supported us in our academic and extracurricular endeavors.  My grandparents were amazing people.  Despite this fact, I developed some serious abandonment issues that have impacted me throughout my life. 

Self-reliance is a valuable tool that jiu jitsu has helped me to develop.  I can draw on the resources of my community to help me achieve my goals, but ultimately when I step on the mat I have to rely on my strength, speed, conditioning, and training to perform and do the things that I want to do.  Learning to relax in stressful situations and to examine the successes and taps in meaningful ways has gone a long way in helping me to become more secure in my ability to manage the real world.  There is no doubt that it is still a struggle.  I find myself falling into some familiar traps from time to time.  My ability to get out of those traps has most assuredly improved, however.

I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a birthday party.  I’ve celebrated in small ways or completely ignored the passing of the year or become utterly depressed that no one else seemed to care.  This year turns out to be a little different.  Liz and I are supposed to get together for a quiet dinner, so I head over to her place.  As I walk in, the shouts of ‘Surprise!’ take me completely off guard.  I get lightheaded and can’t stop the smile from leaping to my face.  A large part of my community has showed up to help me celebrate – the Dorsetts, Nick B., Andreas and Tracy, Noah, Robert and Louisa, Nick M., Gabe… I even get to meet Liz’s grandparents.  The food is delicious and the conversation is great.  Liz organized the whole thing.  I am completely blown away.

My life is so different.  The positive energy that I am putting into the world seems to be coming back to me with so much power.  I am not grinding out my days.  Passion is still my guiding force, but it is tempered by intelligent effort.  The rewards are tangible and easily acknowledged.  I know now that even if everyone that I love and care for were somehow removed from my life I would be okay.  I could fall back on the rock that I’ve become for myself.  I believe in me; I am my own best friend.  I do not have to worry about being abandoned or left behind.

By the same token, I have gained a huge appreciation for the special bonds and relationships that have formed in my life.  The ability to recognize special people and foster friendships with them is something not to be taken lightly.  Surrounding myself with positive, passionate people has been the smartest change I’ve made.  I’ve come to understand that we, as human beings, feed off the energy of those around us.  It can motivate us to great achievements if it is positively directed, or it can drag us down if it is negative.

The foundation has been laid.  The framework is in place.  The scaffolding is set.  I feel confident that I am ready to start putting the finishing touches on the life I’ve been building.  It feels pretty damn good. 

My Life as a White Belt - Recognition

Recognition:

                The reflection that stares back at me in the mirror reminds me that the Dan VanDetta I was once so familiar with is gone.  Physically, it is easy to see the changes.  I am over forty pounds lighter than I was one year ago.  Muscle has replaced fat.  I swear that my hair is even less grey than it used to be.  It is the person I see behind my eyes, however, that has evolved into something most drastically new.  There is a confidence there that was missing before.  A belief that within me exists the capacity to achieve anything I set my mind to.  I can still see insecurity fluttering around the periphery, but the control it once had is most assuredly gone.

                I credit the art of jiu jitsu.  The rhythm of training and competition, along with the camaraderie of being part of a team, has helped me discover the person that I always longed to be.  Strong in mind and body, a person of integrity.  The routine of being on the mat every day has awakened an appreciation for discipline and steady effort.  The excitement and variety of competition reveal the wonder and passion I’d thought I had lost forever.  The spirit of ossu has gradually, unerringly, sometimes even violently penetrated my being until the transformation is almost complete.  This is NOT the result of some external, uncontrollable force.  It is directly connected to the environment and people I have surrounded myself with.

                The social and professional opportunities have been boundless. I have to give immense credit to the amazing people that I have had the pleasure of becoming friends, colleagues, and in one instance something more with. 

Coaching has let me rediscover the joy I find in teaching.  The juniors’ class is an abundance of enthusiasm and I carry their energy even when we aren’t together.  The college students are like sponges, soaking up new information as fast as we can impart it.  The adults in BJJ 1 overcome obstacles as daunting as the ones I had to face and then some.  The process is a reminder of where I was and how far I’ve come.  I feel really good about sharing what I have learned.

The friendships that developed in the last year help me to understand what I had been truly missing in the past.  The laughter, shared confidences, and spectacular memories are intangible quantities that are priceless to me.  Above all these is the presence of an emotional backboard.  I am not sane, by the literal definition of the word.  My friends allow my craziness to flow, receive it, and bounce it back to me in comforting terms that make sense in the world.  I cannot express how valuable this is.  I have also experienced the joy of being the person that others turn to for an opinion, advice, or just an open mind.  That hasn’t happened in a very long time.

I thought my heart was closed.  Not dead, but barely breathing.  Well protected in the fortress I had built around it.  I was comfortable with the simplicity of focusing on myself; I wanted nothing more than to walk the pathway by myself.  Friends were fine.  Their paths and mine could intersect, but ultimately my road was going to have my footprints on it and mine alone.  Perhaps the most surprising part of how my mind has changed is the metamorphosis in this area.  The mortar of pain and insecurity has crumbled.  The bricks of infidelity, addiction, and dishonesty have fallen.  The feeling of building a relationship the ‘right’ way, if there is such a thing, is so consistently refreshing that I am almost overwhelmed by it on a daily basis.  Communication, trust, honesty, integrity, love.  Wow.

I stare into the mirror and recognize the effort that it has taken to get to this point.  The effort of a community.  Hours of instruction, training, mat time, miles on the road, listening, sharing, “extreme hugging”, challenging, failing, succeeding, laughing, watching, doing, competing, cooperating, risking, and loving have gone into creating what I see before me.  I recognize and resolve to never slow down, never give up, and never take for granted.  I will always remember where I was and what it took for me to get here.

My Life as a White Belt - Reorientation

Reorientation:

                I head in to a midday class at Five Rings expecting my regular session.  Coach Greg is out sick today, so Coach Tom greets me as I walk onto the mat.  I look around to discover that I am the only student present.  It takes me a moment, but I soon realize that I’m about to get a private session with my gym’s head coach.  We get right down to it.  Coach has me show him my game plan for the Revolution.  Not much has changed since the Oregon Open.  Slide guard, look for an opening for a triangle, armbar, or omoplata. 

                Coach helps me focus in on a quicker and smoother triangle attack immediately from the slide.  There are key points of tension and relaxation that I hadn’t considered before that tighten up the submission significantly.  I drill this extensively and start to feel very comfortable with it. We also work on a scissor sweep and a knee block that has been somewhat effective for me in the past.  Finally, I get to spend some time on what I consider my biggest weakness – guard passing.   I cannot stress how valuable this one on one instruction feels.  My confidence is soaring heading into the tournament.

                Liz and I wake up early to head up to Bonney Lake.  Normally I would try to arrive the night before, but I feel good about the amount of time that I have before I have to compete.  Several of my teammates are also competing today.  Liz is recovering from her victory in her first mixed martial arts fight last weekend, so has rightfully earned a break from competition.  It was awesome to be able to support her during her battle and it feels equally good to have her by my side for mine.  I’ve rehearsed my game plan many times, both on the mat and in my head and I feel ready to step on the mat.

                The blue belts are competing first and Coach Tom is coaching the juniors in another room, so I jump in to help out my team by assisting one of our top blues, Kevin.  He’s affectionately known at the gym as the ‘Yeah, he should be purple’ guy.  Outstanding body awareness and technical skills make the fact that he’s only 19 all the more surprising.  It’s fun to take on the coaching role, even if all I’m really doing is shouting the time left and helping him warm up.  He wins gold in his division!

                The time for my match is quickly approaching.  I note that my opponent is also a four-stripe white.  I’m excited for a good match!  We bow onto the mat and touch hands.  I hesitate momentarily, trying to get a feel for his game.  He takes advantage and slides guard straight into a triangle attempt.  The thought briefly enters my mind that this guy is attacking me with my own strengths.  I fend off the triangle only to have him transition into an armbar.  I am stronger than my opponent, and I defend well.  I’ve got him stacked and try to pull my arm out.  As I do, he bucks his hips into my elbow and before I know it I am in an extremely dark position.  Sprawled out, arm extended, his hips driving at an odd angle into the side of my limb.  I literally hear the meat of my arm tear and pop, but adrenaline and pride keep me from tapping.  I pay the price when the bones start to grind together.  I curse, tap, and go limp as my opponent releases me.  I struggle to my feet, momentarily humiliated.  The match has only lasted about two and a half minutes.  My arm is definitely injured.  Not hurt.  Injured. 

                Anger and frustration are not emotions that I deal with well.  The pain is secondary, but I am not handling the loss well.  This is my first experience with losing in the first round and I do NOT like the feeling.  It is hard to focus on the positive.  I look at my Coach Tom and remember the grace with which he accepted his losses at Nationals.  I try to balance my emotions with that sentiment and am partially successful.  The medic says at the very least that I’ve strained the ligaments on the inside of my elbow joint and that I need to ice and elevate it sooner than later.  He recommends a visit to a physician and a minimum of two weeks off the mat.  Pretty much a nightmare, from my perspective. 

                Liz gets the worst of it.  The trip back to Portland progresses from sobs to sullenness to acceptance.  She helps me to understand that the loss is nothing if I learned something from it.  My biggest mistake was allowing my pride to put myself in a position for injury.  Brazilian jiu jitsu is a pretty simple sport to avoid being injured in.  Tapping is the secret.  I have to ask myself, was it worth it?  Was the small possibility that I was going to escape a deeply sunk in armbar worth my ripped muscle?  The answer is an unequivocal ‘No’.  I know that the next couple of weeks are going to be difficult.  I just hope that I can use this experience to grow and not let it drag me down.  Despite all of my preparation and confidence, this reminds me that life is unpredictable at times.  Time to take a look in the mirror and decide why I am doing this and how much it is worth to me.

My Life as a White Belt - Whirlwind

Whirlwind:

                I’ve heard it said that when it rains, it pours.  My life at the moment is flooding.  Rather than let it overwhelm me and pull me under, I build a raft so that I can enjoy every moment.  My writing: the journal, the blog, the novel – these all help me focus the lens and appreciate all of the stimulation going on right now.  It occurs to me that I am happier than I have been in a very long time.

                My jiu jitsu community definitely keeps me on my toes.  My conversations with Eric and Nick B. force me to constantly evaluate my progress in the realm of personal development and relationships.  To have consistent access to feedback on my emotions is helping me to stay more even-keeled, rather than careening from highs to lows and slamming into trauma on either end of the spectrum. 

Eric’s Halloween bash is a blast.  I go as Clay Guida (my favorite UFC fighter).  A big crew shows up and for the first time since I was a teenager I spend the holiday completely sober.  In fact, this is my one year sobriety anniversary.  It is hard for me to believe that 365 days ago I was drooling in a chair in the drunk tank in downtown Portland, wondering how the hell I had gotten there.  My memory is still somewhat hazy about it all, but it is with the deepest sense of respect that I recognize the progress that I have made.

Today I am able to feel a modicum of control over my life.  If external forces cause upheaval, I have a support network to help me deal with it.  I will never say that I’ve conquered my addictions.  They are always lingering in the background.  I will say that my addictions and I have come to terms with each other.  I agree not to indulge in them and they agree not to take over my life.  I keep them at bay with a healthy routine and a good diet.

Every once in a while I wonder when I am going to get my blue belt.  I feel like I’ve covered the bases as far as learning the positions and pathways.  I’m getting a lot of mat time and competition experience.  I understand that there are other components to being promoted, even if I am not always able to identify exactly what they are yet.  The green belt crew (there are 8 or 9 of us altogether at the moment) seems primed to make the leap.  I resolve to worry less about it and focus on honing my game and filling in the existing gaps.  I still have plenty more to learn.

The next Revolution tournament is coming up in early November.  I can’t wait for another opportunity to compete in the adult division and show what I can do.  Pan Ams are further down the road, but it is never too early to start preparing.  I take a moment to savor the opportunities and enjoy the place that I’ve come to.  Lots of reasons to smile.