Recognition:
The reflection that stares back at me in the mirror reminds me that the Dan VanDetta I was once so familiar with is gone. Physically, it is easy to see the changes. I am over forty pounds lighter than I was one year ago. Muscle has replaced fat. I swear that my hair is even less grey than it used to be. It is the person I see behind my eyes, however, that has evolved into something most drastically new. There is a confidence there that was missing before. A belief that within me exists the capacity to achieve anything I set my mind to. I can still see insecurity fluttering around the periphery, but the control it once had is most assuredly gone.
I credit the art of jiu jitsu. The rhythm of training and competition, along with the camaraderie of being part of a team, has helped me discover the person that I always longed to be. Strong in mind and body, a person of integrity. The routine of being on the mat every day has awakened an appreciation for discipline and steady effort. The excitement and variety of competition reveal the wonder and passion I’d thought I had lost forever. The spirit of ossu has gradually, unerringly, sometimes even violently penetrated my being until the transformation is almost complete. This is NOT the result of some external, uncontrollable force. It is directly connected to the environment and people I have surrounded myself with.
The social and professional opportunities have been boundless. I have to give immense credit to the amazing people that I have had the pleasure of becoming friends, colleagues, and in one instance something more with.
Coaching has let me rediscover the joy I find in teaching. The juniors’ class is an abundance of enthusiasm and I carry their energy even when we aren’t together. The college students are like sponges, soaking up new information as fast as we can impart it. The adults in BJJ 1 overcome obstacles as daunting as the ones I had to face and then some. The process is a reminder of where I was and how far I’ve come. I feel really good about sharing what I have learned.
The friendships that developed in the last year help me to understand what I had been truly missing in the past. The laughter, shared confidences, and spectacular memories are intangible quantities that are priceless to me. Above all these is the presence of an emotional backboard. I am not sane, by the literal definition of the word. My friends allow my craziness to flow, receive it, and bounce it back to me in comforting terms that make sense in the world. I cannot express how valuable this is. I have also experienced the joy of being the person that others turn to for an opinion, advice, or just an open mind. That hasn’t happened in a very long time.
I thought my heart was closed. Not dead, but barely breathing. Well protected in the fortress I had built around it. I was comfortable with the simplicity of focusing on myself; I wanted nothing more than to walk the pathway by myself. Friends were fine. Their paths and mine could intersect, but ultimately my road was going to have my footprints on it and mine alone. Perhaps the most surprising part of how my mind has changed is the metamorphosis in this area. The mortar of pain and insecurity has crumbled. The bricks of infidelity, addiction, and dishonesty have fallen. The feeling of building a relationship the ‘right’ way, if there is such a thing, is so consistently refreshing that I am almost overwhelmed by it on a daily basis. Communication, trust, honesty, integrity, love. Wow.
I stare into the mirror and recognize the effort that it has taken to get to this point. The effort of a community. Hours of instruction, training, mat time, miles on the road, listening, sharing, “extreme hugging”, challenging, failing, succeeding, laughing, watching, doing, competing, cooperating, risking, and loving have gone into creating what I see before me. I recognize and resolve to never slow down, never give up, and never take for granted. I will always remember where I was and what it took for me to get here.
Love this stuff, Dan. Positivity can ring inauthentic, but not with you; not in view of your emergence from an "old self" to the present one on a potentially boundless journey.
ReplyDeleteI'm prone to the blues. A mild character flaw (or perhaps a biological one) that interferes with my most important relationships. So I appreciate the joyful elements of what you're sharing here on the blog.
And you were correct. Training last Saturday with your schoolmates and coach was a wonderful tonic for my most recent blahs.