Courage:
People seem to handle the complexities of life with varying degrees of success. Some are able to handle work, family, friends, and finances with ease while others struggle to regulate even the simplest of personal issues. The brief time I’ve spent in this particular existence has shown me that the key to my happiness lies in recognizing where my limits are and continually pushing those boundaries (albeit with varying degrees of pressure, as needed). Growth is important. Knowing when I’m overloaded or stagnating is, too.
I’ve painstakingly examined and adjusted the balance of simplicity and complexity in my life on an almost daily basis. Sometimes it is very obvious – like when I feel like I am overtraining at the gym, I take some time off. If I feel like I’m sitting in front of the TV or computer for too long I go out for a run. Those come pretty easily to me now, even if they didn’t in the past. There are other, more instinctual choices that I make as well. Investments of my time and effort into people that may need my help require some intuitive analysis. Reactions to the unexpected or uncontrollable, particularly in relationships, need to be tempered by reason and experienced with emotion.
Fear is still my greatest enemy. It comes in all flavors. Insecurity, anxiety, panic, dread – all of them dance in my subconscious, threatening to steal the progress I’ve made. As I’ve added more complexity to my life the fear gets harder to keep at bay. I have to use the tools I’ve developed to combat it. Confidence, reliance, belief, and trust - these are my allies. I know that if I stay true to the path I’ve chosen then I can continue to be happy, achieve my goals, and find fulfillment in my life.
Thanksgiving is an interesting time for me. I’ve had so many different experiences at this time of year. Last year, for instance, was wonderful. I spent the day with my brother’s family and his in-laws. It was my first sober holiday, and I was surrounded by supportive, loving people. I had a lot to be thankful for. The fact that I was still breathing, for one. On the other end of the spectrum, I’ve suffered through nightmarish ‘Jerry Springer’ style family blowouts with all the ridiculous drama those entail. Even worse, at times, were the Thanksgivings eating out at a restaurant, alone. This year I spend it with my girlfriend, Liz, and her family. They are warm and welcoming and I am reminded of all the things I have to express gratitude for. There is good food, great conversation, and lots of laughs.
Every day is a new day, filled with possibility. Whether I am met with joy or disappointment, laughter or sadness I know that I am alive and that I am powerful beyond measure. I have not conquered fear, but I am much more willing to face it. I have heard it said that the difference between courage and stupidity is that in order to be brave you must be aware of the danger and choose to act anyhow. Idiocy is born of ignorance. I have witnessed many forms of courage. Standing up for what you believe to be right, in the face of peer pressure. Honesty, even when the consequence is severe loss. Pursuing future dreams that could benefit many others at the expense of current ones that impact primarily you. I push myself to own this kind of courage.
(Author’s note: Most of my readers have adjusted to the fact that this is a retrospective. It is currently mid-February as I finish writing this second-to-last entry. I want to thank everyone for the feedback that I’ve received and for the chance to share my journey with you. While I have no current plans to continue the blog after the next entry, I will be fine-tuning and adding to this one with the hopes of publishing it someday soon. Thanks again for all of your support.)
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