Reminiscence:
I look up into my mother’s face as she whispers to me that everything is going to be fine. “You can take one toy, Danny, quickly then go to the truck with your brothers.” I trust her, but it’s dark and cold outside. “Where going?” my three-year-old brain stumbles to make connections. “Somewhere safe, away from here,” replies Darryll, my oldest brother. As the tailgate shuts on the little green Toyota truck, the image of the only home I’ve ever known is burned into my memory. The beloved pets, the yard that I played in daily, and the father that caused so much pain left behind.
When I was a young boy, my mother took my brothers and me from our home to escape the abuses of my biological father. She left us with her parents not too long after that. My grandparents tried their best to raise another set of kids, but three rambunctious boys must have been a serious challenge more often than not. They provided food, shelter, and clothing. They supported us in our academic and extracurricular endeavors. My grandparents were amazing people. Despite this fact, I developed some serious abandonment issues that have impacted me throughout my life.
Self-reliance is a valuable tool that jiu jitsu has helped me to develop. I can draw on the resources of my community to help me achieve my goals, but ultimately when I step on the mat I have to rely on my strength, speed, conditioning, and training to perform and do the things that I want to do. Learning to relax in stressful situations and to examine the successes and taps in meaningful ways has gone a long way in helping me to become more secure in my ability to manage the real world. There is no doubt that it is still a struggle. I find myself falling into some familiar traps from time to time. My ability to get out of those traps has most assuredly improved, however.
I honestly can’t remember the last time I had a birthday party. I’ve celebrated in small ways or completely ignored the passing of the year or become utterly depressed that no one else seemed to care. This year turns out to be a little different. Liz and I are supposed to get together for a quiet dinner, so I head over to her place. As I walk in, the shouts of ‘Surprise!’ take me completely off guard. I get lightheaded and can’t stop the smile from leaping to my face. A large part of my community has showed up to help me celebrate – the Dorsetts, Nick B., Andreas and Tracy, Noah, Robert and Louisa, Nick M., Gabe… I even get to meet Liz’s grandparents. The food is delicious and the conversation is great. Liz organized the whole thing. I am completely blown away.
My life is so different. The positive energy that I am putting into the world seems to be coming back to me with so much power. I am not grinding out my days. Passion is still my guiding force, but it is tempered by intelligent effort. The rewards are tangible and easily acknowledged. I know now that even if everyone that I love and care for were somehow removed from my life I would be okay. I could fall back on the rock that I’ve become for myself. I believe in me; I am my own best friend. I do not have to worry about being abandoned or left behind.
By the same token, I have gained a huge appreciation for the special bonds and relationships that have formed in my life. The ability to recognize special people and foster friendships with them is something not to be taken lightly. Surrounding myself with positive, passionate people has been the smartest change I’ve made. I’ve come to understand that we, as human beings, feed off the energy of those around us. It can motivate us to great achievements if it is positively directed, or it can drag us down if it is negative.
The foundation has been laid. The framework is in place. The scaffolding is set. I feel confident that I am ready to start putting the finishing touches on the life I’ve been building. It feels pretty damn good.
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