My Life as a White Belt - Reunion (cont.)

Reunion: (cont.)

                Sean and I pass by familiar places.  I laugh as I realize that even after all this time, so much looks and feels the same.  There are changes, for sure, but one of the reasons I love where I grew up is that there is a continuity… a stability.  I could drive most of these roads blindfolded.  Spending time with Sean is amazing.  He listens as I describe the details of my journey over the past year, asking probing questions and adding sage anecdotes at appropriate times.  I have always admired him.  Just like my hometown, he is a rock that I count on.  Not unchanging, but steady.  One of my heroes in life, even if I’ve never come right out and told him so.  I think he knows anyhow.

                We’ve been searching for places to roll.  Small towns aren’t necessarily known for their abundance of mat space, particularly on the weekend.  We strike out, but the BJJ conversation is intense!  Sean collects martial arts info like some people collect stamps.  I always learn something new when we talk.  I promise him that sooner than later we will have a chance to test our jits skills.  It is hard to describe how ecstatic I feel to be able to make that promise.  It wasn’t that long ago that I could barely walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded.

                The reunion isn’t for a few hours, so I go to visit with Sean’s family and my family.  My nieces have grown so much, reminding me that time passes inexorably so we must make the most of it while we can.  We stop to visit my mother, alone with her cats tucked away in the Adirondack foothills home where my brothers and I were raised.  Not by her, but by my grandparents.  Our mother left when I was three and came back when I was sixteen.  She is a survivor, even if she is struggling a bit at the moment.  She is always excited when I visit, which isn’t nearly as much as I would wish.

                I take a few minutes at Sean’s house to clean up and get my ‘good’ clothes on.  I dress up so rarely these days.  I think I only own one tie and that spends most of its time hanging in the closet.  I realize as I am getting ready that I’m not as nervous as I thought I might be.  The people I went to high school with will have grown and changed, suffered and triumphed just as I have.  If nothing else, their capacity for understanding should have improved.

                I walk into the restaurant where our event is being held and spot some familiar faces almost immediately.  Lori and Heidi worked diligently to organize the reunion and I thank them for the opportunity to come together and reminisce.  Stacey, Nicole, and Lou were my neighbors in the tiny ‘suburb’ of Hampton.  I find it to be an interesting societal commentary that even in the confines of rural upstate New York, proximity can still dictate the closeness of relationships to a certain degree.  It is exciting to see old friends and acquaintances, to talk of our lives and how things have changed and how other things have stayed the same.  I am very proud to be healthy and happy at this moment in my life.  I touch base with Jason, another recovering alcoholic.  He’s been sober for five years and gives me wise advice about how to keep on keeping on.  “It never stops being one day at a time, Dan.  Just keep waking up and keeping your perspective.” 

                I spot two of the people I dreaded seeing.  Paula and I had butted heads on more than one occasion in high school, mostly because I was an arrogant prick.  Megan had a penchant for talking about me behind my back and some of the things that made their way through the grapevine bordered on cruel.  I had already figured out how I was going to handle these encounters on the plane ride here, so I take a deep breath and approach Paula first.  I outline what I felt to be my transgressions and apologize on behalf of my younger self.  She laughs and says that she does remember, but that it wasn’t that big of a deal to her.  Life has moved on and she understands that we were kids.  Kids can be mean, ya know?  Megan has already had a few drinks.  She actually asks me to dance.  She has changed a lot since high school.  I decide not to confront her about things that honestly don’t bother me that much anymore, taking a page from Paula’s book of forgiveness.

                As the evening winds down, I am struck by the surreal nature of this scene.  Twenty years have passed and as I look around the room I see so much that has changed, but even more that has remained constant.  The cliques are still there, if a little less obvious.  Best friends in high school are still best friends now in some cases.  Our one significant commonality (the fact that we all went to high school together) is enough to allow for the differences that might normally separate us.  This is a lot more comfortable and enjoyable then what I expected.

                I leave the reunion and spend the rest of the evening with Sean’s family.  Amazing people – they are a source of constant comfort and enlightenment for me.  I feel very lucky to know them.  It was only a year ago when I came to visit last, but so much has changed.  I was miserable then and they counseled me as best as they could, helping me to see some light on what seemed to be a fairly dismal horizon.  Now I share the light of hope and passion and enthusiasm that I have found through jiu jitsu and friendship and wellness in the intervening months.  This is a huge milestone for me and I know that I will never forget it.

My Life as a White Belt - Reunion

Reunion:

                It’s been twenty years since I graduated from high school.  Twenty years.  I find it interesting to note that the last time I approached life with the same fervor and enthusiasm as I do now is probably around the time of that graduation.  I was valedictorian of my class, captain of three varsity sports, and headed to an Ivy League university – the classic overachiever.  I firmly believed that the world was a place that was waiting to be conquered.  Hard work and natural born talent were going to be enough to accomplish any goal that I set.

                I had a rude awakening waiting for me out in the ‘real world’.  I was ill prepared for the challenges that I had to face:  the lures of alcohol and addiction hooked me hard once I left the safe confines of my small, sheltered town in upstate New York.  Still, it is with a joyful heart that I return to that town and the school where I grew up.  I am excited to see family and friends and reconnect with people that I haven’t seen since high school.

                I fly out of Seattle and into Boston because it is significantly cheaper than a flight directly from Portland to Albany.  I also have friends that I want to visit in each of those cities.  Jonas is heading to the Navy soon and it is good to see him, even if it is only for a short while.  We play some pool and talk about the changes in our lives.  He is doing everything he can to be a good father and husband, but it obviously isn’t easy.  Eli seems to be thriving on the opposite coast, and he reminds me that despite the progress I’ve made I need to keep the future in mind.

 I also get the chance to visit with a high school sweetheart in Boston.  Terri is a Harvard grad who currently works as a surgeon.  Seeing her gives me the opportunity to talk about my reservations about taking risks – she encourages me to pursue happiness, in whatever form I may find it.  I resolve then and there to ask out the woman who caught my eye at the gym as soon as I return from this trip.  Life is way too short to miss out on someone like her.

It turns out that a friend of a friend is heading to my next stop from Boston, so I finagle a ride and end up outside of Saratoga.  Temptation waits for me there in the form of an old drinking buddy (Shaggy) and is balanced by the presence of my oldest childhood friend, Sean.  Shaggy Bob’s life reflects the roller coaster ride that mine has been, but he has recently found the Yin to his Yang… a great girl named Erin who appreciates him for who he is, flaws and all.  I break down and try to smoke a cigarette for old time’s sake and nearly throw up after one drag.  That is one habit I won’t be picking back up anytime soon.  The more dangerous temptation of alcohol is easier to resist.  Sean’s presence is supportive and Bob does his best to not push the issue.   We have a blast reminiscing, playing darts, and getting reacquainted after all the years that have gone by.  Even in the face of Shaggy’s annual Manifest Boozery Landmine Croquet, I am able to stay completely sober and reinforce that wisdom that I can have fun without alcohol.

I am very excited and nervous for tomorrow.  I get to see what has changed and what has not.  Opportunities for growth shall most certainly present themselves, if only I can take advantage of them.   

               

My Life as a White Belt - Uncertainty

Uncertainty:

                Tuesday night tournament rounds at the gym can be enlightening, educational, and inspiring.  Tonight they are downright depressing!  I try to implement my ‘A’ game as I prepare for Nationals and it just isn’t working.  I’m getting my guard passed over and over again.  I search for positives to cling to, but there don’t seem to be many.  This is getting rougher by the moment.  It is extremely frustrating and more than a bit disheartening.  I have been drilling and working this technique for a while now.  I should have some success with it ‘in the wild’ by this point.

                Let’s call a spade a spade, shall we?  Insecurity is a demon we all face at some point or another.  My lack of confidence has been a perpetual monkey on my back for years.  I used to put on a good show, but anyone that took the time to get to know me could see past it very quickly.  This uncertainty often got the better of me – I would lie and cheat, take the easy way out, avoid the problem.  I escaped through online fantasy games so that I wouldn’t have to face reality.  That addiction translated into the gambling issue later in life.  I am certain it played a role in my alcoholism as well.

                I still struggle from time to time.  Not nearly as much as in the past, but patterns of behavior and habits of dealing with people and the world can be difficult to change without appropriate motivation.  I feel like I have a lot of positive motivators these days:  my competitive drive, the prospect of new learning, reinforcement from friends.  I need to be more forgiving of myself when I slip and fall.  I am definitely my own worst critic at times.  At other times, the people who might have been the most understanding made different choices that influenced my current insecurity.

                I will never forget the look in her eyes when I told her we wouldn’t have enough money to get everything on the boys’ Christmas lists.  Disappointment intermingled with disgust.  I told her I’d make it up to them.  We’d go someplace special after my next paycheck.  “You’re such a chump, Dan – I don’t know why I married you.  You can’t take care of us.  You can’t do anything right.”  I dodge the ashtray she throws at me and it shatters the sliding glass door behind me.  More bills to pay.  She’s right, too.  If I weren’t a chump, I would have left years ago.  I wouldn’t put up with all this bullshit.  Or would I?  Maybe this is the best I can ask for.  My boys are so strong.  I can be strong for them, too.

                My new sense of integrity drives me to tell Coach Eric about my struggles during rounds.  If I repress this frustration, it is going to come out in some ugly ways.  He looks me in the eye and says, ‘Dude, I have felt what you are feeling a hundred times or more.  It comes with the territory, my friend.  This isn’t tiddlywinks here, its jiu jitsu.  When you ‘lose’, you learn.  You are getting better whether you can see it right now or not.  Keep training.  Mat time is the key.’ 

                Really?  Is it that easy?  He hasn’t steered me wrong yet, so I make a conscious effort to reevaluate my experience and perspective.  Alright, so my best moves were getting beaten on a regular basis tonight.  I’ve been doing this for about 8 months now.  The majority of the people I roll with have multiple years of experience.  Could I recognize what they were doing and modify my positioning to make my game plan more effective?  Absolutely.  Okay.  This feels better; mentally, if not emotionally.  I resolve to persevere.  Nationals are only a couple of weeks away. 

My Life as a White Belt - Examination

Examination:

                Coach Tom is talking to us about having an appropriate mindset when we step on the mat.  He says we need to understand the difference between ‘gym jitsu’ and ‘tournament jiu jitsu’.  I think I get the message.  Basically, when we are training our goal should be to improve our skills and to help our training partners improve as well.  Competition changes that goal to imposing our will and showcasing the skills that we’ve learned.  This lesson goes hand in hand with some other ideas that Tom has shared with us – ‘intensity with a smile’ and ‘elegant ass-kicking’ are his personal extensions of the fundamental tenet of arte suave, “the gentle art”.   Jiu jitsu is the art of timing and of coordination.  It is so much more than technique and flexibility.  There is a mindset that comes with progress in the sport.  A confidence that comes from understanding what your body is capable of.

                I recognize very clearly that I have not progressed to a level where I can draw upon a wellspring of certainty.  I still struggle with demons of the past, both those that I am aware of and those that still hide themselves in my subconscious.  What I have been able to accomplish, however, is to rebuild a foundation of health from which to face those challenges.  Replacing unhealthy habits with productive ones, eliminating stressors by simplification, focusing on the positive possibilities of a new day; these have been the keys to my success. 

                So the connection that becomes apparent to me is that I’m establishing a solid ‘gym jitsu’ game in my life.  As long as I am able to maintain control of my environment, whether by surrounding myself with a solid support network of caring friends and family or staying solidly in my comfort zone, I am able to feel like I am moving forward towards a sense of completion and wholeness.  The more difficult test lies ahead.  It is time to start taking risks.  I miss the highs and lows that come with putting my whole heart and self into my life endeavors.  Just like training in the gym though, I need to prepare myself for the unexpected.  I can think of several things that should help. 

                As far as my addictions are concerned, there are going to be quite a few opportunities to test myself in the near future.  I’m headed back East to my 20^th high school reunion soon and I’m going to be around folks I used to party with.  I fervently believe that I’m strong enough to handle it.  Cigarettes, alcohol, and gambling have no place in my life anymore.

                I am also starting a blog that I can share with anyone who cares to read it.  It’s for me, but if others get some use of it than the benefit becomes all the greater.  I find that when I write things down it grounds me and the life lessons that I hope to share.  The strongest impetus I feel to put my words into text is to reconcile the time from my DUI to present day with the life that happened before it.  I think there is power and fortitude to be found in that connection.  I feel so differently now than I did then.  Some days it seems like I am an entirely new person.

                I’ve also registered for American Nationals.  It’s in Los Angeles at the end of September.   This will be a major test for my jiu jitsu progress, but an even bigger one for my mental and emotional health.  L.A. is where my life got turned upside down and almost ended.  My stepsons are still there and I am making plans to see them.  I believe that I am ready to face whatever may come.  I am no longer afraid.  The tournament of life has a new competitor as well.