Uncertainty:
Tuesday night tournament rounds at the gym can be enlightening, educational, and inspiring. Tonight they are downright depressing! I try to implement my ‘A’ game as I prepare for Nationals and it just isn’t working. I’m getting my guard passed over and over again. I search for positives to cling to, but there don’t seem to be many. This is getting rougher by the moment. It is extremely frustrating and more than a bit disheartening. I have been drilling and working this technique for a while now. I should have some success with it ‘in the wild’ by this point.
Let’s call a spade a spade, shall we? Insecurity is a demon we all face at some point or another. My lack of confidence has been a perpetual monkey on my back for years. I used to put on a good show, but anyone that took the time to get to know me could see past it very quickly. This uncertainty often got the better of me – I would lie and cheat, take the easy way out, avoid the problem. I escaped through online fantasy games so that I wouldn’t have to face reality. That addiction translated into the gambling issue later in life. I am certain it played a role in my alcoholism as well.
I still struggle from time to time. Not nearly as much as in the past, but patterns of behavior and habits of dealing with people and the world can be difficult to change without appropriate motivation. I feel like I have a lot of positive motivators these days: my competitive drive, the prospect of new learning, reinforcement from friends. I need to be more forgiving of myself when I slip and fall. I am definitely my own worst critic at times. At other times, the people who might have been the most understanding made different choices that influenced my current insecurity.
I will never forget the look in her eyes when I told her we wouldn’t have enough money to get everything on the boys’ Christmas lists. Disappointment intermingled with disgust. I told her I’d make it up to them. We’d go someplace special after my next paycheck. “You’re such a chump, Dan – I don’t know why I married you. You can’t take care of us. You can’t do anything right.” I dodge the ashtray she throws at me and it shatters the sliding glass door behind me. More bills to pay. She’s right, too. If I weren’t a chump, I would have left years ago. I wouldn’t put up with all this bullshit. Or would I? Maybe this is the best I can ask for. My boys are so strong. I can be strong for them, too.
My new sense of integrity drives me to tell Coach Eric about my struggles during rounds. If I repress this frustration, it is going to come out in some ugly ways. He looks me in the eye and says, ‘Dude, I have felt what you are feeling a hundred times or more. It comes with the territory, my friend. This isn’t tiddlywinks here, its jiu jitsu. When you ‘lose’, you learn. You are getting better whether you can see it right now or not. Keep training. Mat time is the key.’
Really? Is it that easy? He hasn’t steered me wrong yet, so I make a conscious effort to reevaluate my experience and perspective. Alright, so my best moves were getting beaten on a regular basis tonight. I’ve been doing this for about 8 months now. The majority of the people I roll with have multiple years of experience. Could I recognize what they were doing and modify my positioning to make my game plan more effective? Absolutely. Okay. This feels better; mentally, if not emotionally. I resolve to persevere. Nationals are only a couple of weeks away.
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