My Life as a White Belt - Camaraderie

Camaraderie:

                The Grappling X tournament is being held at a college gymnasium out in an eastern suburb of Portland.  It is small and has only three mats, but as we arrive I anticipate a fun and compelling day of competition.  I have trained hard and worked to develop an applicable set of skills that should serve me well.

                I check the bracket and discover that I am not only the first match of the day, but that I also only have one opponent.  Such is the way of things for those of us that compete in the Master’s divisions of local tournaments.  Since we are guaranteed at least two matches, we’ll have to win the best two of three contests for the gold medal.

                As I warm-up, I notice the other ‘older’ competitors hanging around as they wait for their turn to get on the mat.  We all introduce ourselves and chat about our experiences with jiu jitsu at our various gyms and our expectations for the day.  I even meet my opponent, David.  He is very tall!  We all offer wishes for a good tournament and get ready to start our matches.  This seems to be a universal trait of jiu jitsu tournaments.  I can’t corroborate it for the younger athletes, but there is a true spirit of sportsmanship and respect for those of us who have been around the block.

                Five Rings has brought a solid crew of fifteen teammates today and I feel their strong support as I step onto the mat.  The cheers boost my confidence and I attack immediately, going straight for the classic guard position that I’ve been training.  I slide into guard poorly, grips loose and barely maintaining contact with my heel.  My opponent’s length is making things difficult, but I persist.  I disengage briefly and then renew my offense.  This time my grips are tight and I slowly work my legs into an armbar/triangle pit stop.  As I step over to finish the armbar, David taps and I have won.  All in all, it has taken about thirty-five seconds.

                Coach Eric congratulates me on my victory and prepares me for the next matchup.  I notice that Coach Greg and Coach Nick are also in my corner.  These three have been integral to my progress thus far, and it is heartening to see them all there.  My teammates shout their support from the stands.  I get the chance to watch a new friend from Seaside BJJ compete before I have to tackle David one more time. 

                As we begin, it is obvious that his coach has given him good advice.  He quickly pulls guard on me, almost knocking me off balance in the process.  I work to pass his guard, using a shin slide technique I learned recently.  I get to half guard and then push the other leg through to cross sides position.  But wait, I’m not getting the points.  I hear Eric yelling for me to get my arm free of his legs.  I stack him up in order to do so, but he flips us both over.  Finding a burst of speed, I explode off my back into quarters position.  I just went from a dominant position to a much less desirable one so I try to breathe and relax.  I use an old wrestling technique called the duck out and almost get to his back.  We end up back in quarters and when I try to duck out again, he rotates his legs over and locks in a guillotine choke.

                I feel fine for a moment, comfortable that I am on top and in control.  Then I mistakenly step into his guard.  Darkness enters my peripheral vision and I struggle to create space and keep blood flowing to my head.  I listen for my coach’s voice.  “Step away, pop your head out… posture up!”  I try to follow the instructions, but is a close call before I can finally escape.  The fact that I am gurgling encourages my opponent and he squeezes for all he’s worth.  After what seems an eternity, his arms loosen and I seize the opportunity to lift my head.  I can tell that David is exhausted, so I drive through to mount and ride out the match comfortably ahead on points.  Another victory and the gold medal are mine!

                I cheer on the rest of my teammates: Noah, Evan, Ziggy, Natan, Liz, Preston, Matt, Robert, and the rest all give their all.  At the end of the day we’ve taken home eleven medals and some fantastic experience. 

                More than my victory, I value the sense that I am now a part of a team.  Jiu jitsu is an individual sport and when you step on the mat it is you against the person standing across the mat.  But your team and coaches are the ones that make sure you are ready to be there.  I felt like every one of my training partners was standing there on the mat with me today and my victory is as much theirs as it is mine. 

My Life as a White Belt - Actualization

Actualization:

                I feel like I am hitting my stride.  I recently earned my second stripe and my ‘A’ game is starting to develop.  My ‘classic’ guard drilling has allowed me to feel more and more comfortable being aggressive and attacking for submissions.  I’m still not always able to finish them, but I definitely feel like I have viable options from that position.  The Grappling X tournament is quickly approaching and my confidence level is at an all-time high.

                As the days of summer meander by, I get the sense that everything is coming together.  My addictions no longer control my life.  The insecurities that had such influence over my choices have fallen by the wayside.  Progress and accomplishment have replaced stagnation and failure.  Physically and mentally I feel stronger than ever.  Emotionally, I still struggle at times but only when I dwell overlong on my past.  When I focus on the present, life is good.

                I liken the recent course of my life journey to that of a lesson learned from Coach Nick recently at a ‘Church of Jiu Jitsu’ session.  Part of my struggles to finish submissions from my chosen guard position has been my inability to relax at key moments and let my opponent close space.  Nick had me drill and free roll while consciously focusing on my breathing and relaxation.  This allowed the triangles and armbars to become tighter and more controlled.  The challenges that I face on a daily basis also seem easier to deal with when I allow myself to relax, think, and reason out how to handle them.

                Jiu jitsu is providing an excellent foundation for me to build a life of fulfillment and purpose.  I’ve long been a proponent of an existential outlook.  There are a ton of examples in everyday society that show that if you believe in something strongly enough, your belief can influence reality.  For a long time, I lost sight of that philosophy and allowed the currents of other’s choices (and often my own poor ones) to drag me along.  I relish the feelings of achievement when I look in the mirror or successfully perform a new move during rounds.  These are sensations that have long been missing in my life.

                There can be no doubt that there are still holes to be filled in.  Financially, I’ve limited my ability to choose.  I made a conscious decision months ago to simplify my avenues of income in an effort to reduce stress and allow myself time in my schedule to pursue personal growth.  I can foresee a time in the not-so-distant future where this may need to change.  To be blunt, I can’t keep living on $400 a month and hope that there won’t be any budget emergencies.  Maybe I can start working on my novel again soon.  Or some other writing project that might kick start my dream of turning that into a source of income. 

                I also realize that it would be nice to have someone to share my ups and downs with.  The friends that I am making are truly amazing and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.  But I think it would be pretty swell to add a ‘someone special’ to my life.  I’m not going to settle for just anyone this time around though.  It is going to be someone spectacular; someone with the same passion and drive that I have discovered in myself.  I don’t feel the need to rush this one, though.  I am content to continue working on me.  I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t noticed a particular someone lately though.  She keeps finding her way into my thoughts. 

                Self-actualization is defined as the achievement of one’s full potential through creativity, independence, spontaneity, and a grasp of the real world.  If you had asked me seven months ago if I thought that this was a realistic goal then I probably would have chuckled and sighed and mumbled something about pipe dreams.  This is no longer the case.  I believe, once more, that I can reach that potential.

My Life as a White Belt - Resurrection

(Author’s Note:  Happy Birthday to me!  This entry is dedicated to my brother, to the art of jiu jitsu, and  to my love.  None may realize it, but they’ve each saved my life.)

Resurrection:

The summer breeze on this fine mid-June day blows over my freshly buzzed scalp as I walk up the hill to Five Rings.  I revel in the warmth of the sun and in the chance to once again get on the mat and improve my game.  This is definitely a high point in my life. 

It’s been over three years since I hit the lowest point in my life.  My memories of it are still as vivid as if it happened yesterday, when I let myself think about it:

I can hear the seagulls cry in the distance.  The salt spray from the ocean coats my lips and fills my nostrils.  The bright sunshine tries to pierce through my closed eyelids.  I feel the sand give way beneath my fingers and toes as my muscles begin to relax.  This is the first time in years that I can filter each sense so distinctly.  I definitely could have chosen a worse place to die.  I’ve always loved the beach.

I found out last night that my wife cheated on me.  With a ‘friend’ who also just happened to be her meth dealer.  She’s been lying to me for years about the drugs.  The infidelity was more recent.  Or who knows… maybe she’s been sleeping around during our whole marriage.  It doesn’t matter anymore, really.  All I can seem to do is think about what a chump I’ve been.  I really should have known better.  So many red flags along the way, from the very beginning ‘til now. 

When we met there was so much passion, so much infatuation – I’d never felt that way before.  And she needed me so badly.  So I gave her everything.  My whole life.  I took care of her two children, her niece, and her father.  Defended her when everyone else abandoned her.  All I ever wanted in return was her respect and her love. What I got slowly ate away at my heart, and then finally drove a stake through it.

I went into the casino this morning instead of going to work.  It was my last ditch effort, my request to the universe to show me a sign that I still had some unfinished business here in this existence.  If I won, I’d start over.  Find a new purpose.  But I didn’t win.  I didn’t want to; wouldn’t have stopped playing until it was all gone anyhow.  I saved enough for one last pack of cigarettes and a bottle of sleeping pills. 

The fuzziness blurs the edges of my vision and consciousness starts to fade.  Soon the pain will end.  For me, at least.  One last selfish act that will probably destroy everything that I tried to build.  But I don’t care.  I just want the misery to go away. The crashing of the waves carries me into the unknown.

Darkness overcomes me.

Frantic pounding confuses me.  No more sunlight burning.  Waves still crashing, but the sirens and voices force them into the background.  Someone shoves a tube down my throat and the pain comes crashing back.  I’m not dead.  After all the failures, you’d think I’d at least get this one right.  I curse the paramedic as I recognize him for what he is.  I reach out to hug him when I realize what I had almost done.

Over the next few weeks, family and friends that I thought I’d closed out forever return and with the help of therapists convince me that there are still things worth living for.  I am still miserable, but I keep waking up each day because I don’t want them to be sad.  The medication flattens me out.  Time goes by…  slowly.

It wasn’t until months later that my brother, Dylan, came to get me away from the hellfires of Southern California.  The rains of Oregon slowly started to wash away the past.  But my subconscious self still writhed in emotional turmoil.  I had no direction.  The distance between us did not stop me from thinking about my wife or my sons or the life I had left behind.  It would take years for me to ‘move on’.

The memory of the end of that part of my life doesn’t grieve me like it once did.  I celebrate that day as a moment of enlightenment.  I would not value the amazing things that I have since discovered if I had not been in that dismal predicament.  The beauty and kindness that I experience on a daily basis from those that truly care about me shine that much brighter because of that day.  The infirmity of my hospitalization make me value my health and ability to roll with my new friends that much more.

I am glad I didn’t die that day.  I am committed to one day making a difference in the lives of those that may believe as I once did… that they don’t have anything left to give.  For now, I am content to walk up this road and into the gym and focus on becoming someone that I like to be around.  Soon enough, I will have the reserves and confidence to share my story with the world.

My Life as a White Belt - Relation

Relation:

                There are times when I am rolling that it occurs to me that the harder I strain to make a position or move happen, the easier it becomes for my partner to escape or gain the upper hand.  On the other hand, sometimes when I bide my time and wait for an opening then I can secure control and get a dominant position.  I’ve made active strides towards phasing out the ‘Grrr’- jitsu aspects of my game by focusing on being technical, patient, and relaxed.

                A few months ago I started dating again.  It was a difficult decision to put myself back into the scene.  By putting time into my recovery and into achieving my personal goals, I have felt the greatest improvements in the most meaningful areas of my life.  To be quite honest, I was most motivated by loneliness.  It has been years and years since I lived completely on my own and longer than that since I was single for any length of time.  So I decided to give online dating a try.  As I’ve learned recently, sometimes taking a risk can reap great rewards.

                The woman I met was, in short, a wonderful person.  We communicated well and had fun when we spent time together.  Over a few months and several dates we got to know about each other – backgrounds, interests, goals.  I felt like I was going about the relationship building in the ‘right’ way, if there is such a thing.  I had a great deal of respect for her and appreciated her candor when it came to how she felt about me.  She felt like we might have a good future together if I was willing to commit more of myself to the relationship.

 I had decided to try to get to know my partner without rushing into the physical aspect of the relationship.  Initially, this was motivated by wanting to take things slowly in order to see if everything else worked between us.  As time went on, I realized that, at least for my part, the ‘spark’ was missing.  It occurs to me that many of my friends have expressed this kind of sentiment when dating, but it was a new experience for me.  Generally, if some part of the equation was good in the past I would try to force the rest of the issue.  Make things work, as it were.  Every single one of those relationships progressed with a good share of drama and ended badly, for one person or the other or both. 

My new friend is now telling me with tears in her eyes that she doesn’t want to continue dating me.  I have been honest with her about my feelings all the way through our dating process and she has realized that she wants more than I have to offer.  I am deeply saddened by her choice, but I can feel nothing but respect for her.  She is choosing to move on rather than to try to change me to fit her needs.  I realize as she walks out the door that I am proud of myself for standing my ground and not giving into an easier emotional course of action.   I will be ready when I’m ready.  I will know that person who I want to share my life with when I find them and I won’t feel the need to force anything. 

For now, I will continue to work on me.  I still have these gaping holes in my emotional, mental, and physical selves.  I am making progress and I feel great about how far I’ve come.  But it is patience and fortitude that will get me to my ultimate goals – feeling comfortable in my own skin, having the confidence to take on anything life throws at me, and sharing of myself in healthy ways.  My loneliness is an extension of insecurities that I am trying to leave behind.  It isn’t easy.  I am starting to believe that most, if not all, things in life that are worth pursuing require some obstacles to be overcome and challenges to be met.

This is a major turning point for me, however, and I must recognize it as such.  The past had shown me to be incapable of the kind of maturity I feel like I demonstrated in dealing with this relationship.  Not only did I stay true to myself, but the honesty and patience with which I handled things prevented both of us from greater pain in the future.  Pain that I used to pursue with the same passion that I now chase health and growth.  Life lessons rarely stand out so clearly and I feel grateful that I can acknowledge this one as much as I can.

Patience.  Focus.  Determination.  I’m getting there.

My Life as a White Belt - Dedication

Dedication:

                There are three things that I promised myself when I walked away from the car crash last Halloween.  Three things that I knew had to change or I was going to become a statistic.  Or worse.  Some of these things were ideas that had been floating around in my head for months, but that for one reason or another I couldn’t commit to doing.  Almost killing yourself and someone else has a way of motivating change.

                The first promise I made was to never take another drink or put anything into my body that would cause me to lose my decision making ability.  Never again would the excuse – “But I was drunk” come out of my mouth.  No more apologies for saying or doing something that I only vaguely remember in the first place.  Drugs and alcohol would no longer play a role in my life or be the demon that led me astray.

                Perhaps this might come as a surprise to some, but this has been the easiest promise for me to keep.  It has been as ‘easy’ as not putting a glass or bottle to my lips.  The images of flashing lights and screams that bubble up in my head every time I think about drinking discourage the activity to a great degree.  And every day that I don’t take a drink helps to reinforce not taking one as well.  The smiles from new friends; never having to deal with a hangover; being able to get on the mat and roll every day! These things are supremely motivating.

                The second promise was to stop taking my life for granted.  I am not a religious person, nor do I imagine that I will ever be.  But as I realized how close to death I came (again) it became apparent that there are some things in this world that I can and cannot control.  If I did not take command of the things that I could actively participate in then I was simply floating on the breeze – allowing the world to push me where it would and fall when it chose.  I promised to give myself wings.  Not enough to stop the rare strike of lightning, but something to let me dictate where I would go and what I would do. 

                Jiu jitsu is the framework of the wings of my life.  Like Daedalus, I have worked hard to construct a lasting mechanism to be able to fly straight and escape from the bondage of my past.  The routine of training and the discipline of the ‘gentle’ art give me the foundation to build a better future on.  The relationships and support network that I have established are the feathers for those wings.  Amazing friendships and stronger family ties have given me the ability and confidence to take risks and go places that I never thought I would see again… or ever, in some cases.   But to avoid the pain of his eventual loss (his son, Icarus, flew too close to the sun) I have come to realize that the wax holding the feathers is my resolve.  My decisions will ultimately determine where and when I will land. Or if I will crash before finding that resting place.

                It is a little more difficult to explain the third promise.  There was a time in my life when I felt like a leader of people.  An example that others could look up to.  Back in high school I was the captain of three varsity sports teams and the valedictorian of my class.  It was a great feeling to know that others looked to me for guidance or wisdom, even if it at that point the parameters of my knowledge were much narrower than they are now.  My third promise was a vow to rediscover that leader in me; to become someone who was able to share the successes and failures of his life with the hopes that others could find inspiration or take comfort in them.  This promise has been the hardest to keep.  It has been a challenge to reach beyond myself and consider the needs of others, but I slowly find opportunities arising to do so.  Whether it is the new white belt asking for help with a move or a friend that just needs someone to listen to them or my niece and nephew needing help with their math homework there are now times when I am able to give of myself and feel like what I am giving is not tainted by the selfishness and pain of the past.

                Promises are funny things.  They are only as strong as the person that makes them. I am becoming stronger every day.   And as time passes these three promises are leading me to a treasure I thought was long lost to me.  Integrity.

My Life as a White Belt - Addiction

Addiction:

                Is this the sixth, seventh, or eighth class I’ve been to this week?  I lose track sometimes.  I find myself coming to Five Rings more and more often.  I go to morning and evening classes pretty much every day and they recently started up a midday class that fits my schedule on Mondays and Wednesdays as well.

 The instructor, Greg, is a purple belt that recently started training with us after moving here from California.  Great guy, even if he is a Patriots fan.  Seriously, how anyone still likes that team after my G-men crushed their ‘perfect’ season back in ’07 escapes me.  Anyhow, his perspective and coaching style are very different from Coach Tom’s and Coach Eric’s.  I find myself feeling more and more well-rounded after each of his sessions, particularly when he teaches a move I already think I know from an angle that I didn’t consider before.

We’ve got another tournament on the horizon.  This one is called the Grappling X.  It’s an independently run competition and we’re taking a small crew of people out to compete.  Still, I’m pretty excited to get back on the mat.  So, I guess that could be one reason that I’m up here so much.  But if I’m being completely honest with myself then I have to acknowledge the other reasons, too.  I’m getting addicted to the social network I have established, as well as the positive growth and changes in my body and fitness level.  It’s nice to feel like I’m learning something every time I come here, too.  It wasn’t that long ago that my addictions were a lot less healthy and a lot more detrimental to my well-being.

I remember the first time I stepped into the casino and sat down at the tables.  Yeah, on top of being a smoker and an alcoholic, I was a gambling addict to boot.  There was a difference, though.  Nicotine and alcohol had their claws in me early in life and didn’t represent much of anything but an ongoing disease that I never treated.  Gambling was something new.  A true psychological escape.  That first time I started putting real money down I realized that I could lose myself in the rush.  I didn’t have to think about what my wife was doing behind my back while I commuted two hundred miles (anywhere from five to seven hours) from Palm Springs to Los Angeles and back every day.  I didn’t have to worry about the unpaid bills or the birthday present for my stepson that I couldn’t afford or that sneaking suspicion that my co-workers at school knew something was wrong with me.  All I had to worry about was that next card.  The next roll of the dice.  The lie that I could tell myself to make it all okay:  “One big payday is all you need to turn things around, Dan.  Just a little bit of luck.”

I remember the calls from my wife that I would ignore because I didn’t want to hear her yell.  Even worse were the ones from my stepsons that I would ignore because I was too ashamed to tell them that I’d blown my entire paycheck again.  I even hit the big payday more than once, only to walk out of the casino doors having lost it all.  It was then that I knew that it wasn’t about the money.  It was about getting away from the misery my life had become in the easiest way I could find.  Then came the borrowed money (family, coworkers, payday loans)  followed not too long after by losing the house, losing the job, and almost losing my life.  I’d become really, really good at losing.  In retrospect, I realize that it’s a pattern.  I’d developed a habit; an addiction, if you will, to losing.  It’s like I was searching for the bottom of the barrel.  And then, I finally found it.

It’s difficult to relate my current experience of falling in love with the art of jiu jitsu as an addiction because of all the negative associations that I have with that word.  I even went so far as to look it up to see if it really was fitting.  The dictionary definition does mandate that there are negative consequences associated with an addiction, so since I am finding it very difficult to identify any that result from the time I spend at the gym I am going to modify my descriptor to a habit.  I wonder if I can make up my own terminology and call it a ‘positive addiction’.  Heh.  Why not?

I do feel like I am at the tables sometimes when I get to Five Rings.  It is an escape, of sorts, but more like the way meditation is an escape.  I feel like I am getting myself ‘right’ when I am working out or rolling with my friends.  I most definitely am not avoiding anything.  Nor do I feel any shame.  Just the opposite!  I feel proud and enlightened and ecstatic when I am here.  If this is a new addiction, then I wouldn’t have it any other way.  My coaches are ‘enabling’ me to be a healthy, contributing member of society again.  The friends I have made definitely make me ‘high’ with the laughter and love that I feel when we hang out.

As summer rolls on, my jiu jitsu game continues to improve.  It’s a heck of a lot better than my poker game ever was.