Dedication:
There are three things that I promised myself when I walked away from the car crash last Halloween. Three things that I knew had to change or I was going to become a statistic. Or worse. Some of these things were ideas that had been floating around in my head for months, but that for one reason or another I couldn’t commit to doing. Almost killing yourself and someone else has a way of motivating change.
The first promise I made was to never take another drink or put anything into my body that would cause me to lose my decision making ability. Never again would the excuse – “But I was drunk” come out of my mouth. No more apologies for saying or doing something that I only vaguely remember in the first place. Drugs and alcohol would no longer play a role in my life or be the demon that led me astray.
Perhaps this might come as a surprise to some, but this has been the easiest promise for me to keep. It has been as ‘easy’ as not putting a glass or bottle to my lips. The images of flashing lights and screams that bubble up in my head every time I think about drinking discourage the activity to a great degree. And every day that I don’t take a drink helps to reinforce not taking one as well. The smiles from new friends; never having to deal with a hangover; being able to get on the mat and roll every day! These things are supremely motivating.
The second promise was to stop taking my life for granted. I am not a religious person, nor do I imagine that I will ever be. But as I realized how close to death I came (again) it became apparent that there are some things in this world that I can and cannot control. If I did not take command of the things that I could actively participate in then I was simply floating on the breeze – allowing the world to push me where it would and fall when it chose. I promised to give myself wings. Not enough to stop the rare strike of lightning, but something to let me dictate where I would go and what I would do.
Jiu jitsu is the framework of the wings of my life. Like Daedalus, I have worked hard to construct a lasting mechanism to be able to fly straight and escape from the bondage of my past. The routine of training and the discipline of the ‘gentle’ art give me the foundation to build a better future on. The relationships and support network that I have established are the feathers for those wings. Amazing friendships and stronger family ties have given me the ability and confidence to take risks and go places that I never thought I would see again… or ever, in some cases. But to avoid the pain of his eventual loss (his son, Icarus, flew too close to the sun) I have come to realize that the wax holding the feathers is my resolve. My decisions will ultimately determine where and when I will land. Or if I will crash before finding that resting place.
It is a little more difficult to explain the third promise. There was a time in my life when I felt like a leader of people. An example that others could look up to. Back in high school I was the captain of three varsity sports teams and the valedictorian of my class. It was a great feeling to know that others looked to me for guidance or wisdom, even if it at that point the parameters of my knowledge were much narrower than they are now. My third promise was a vow to rediscover that leader in me; to become someone who was able to share the successes and failures of his life with the hopes that others could find inspiration or take comfort in them. This promise has been the hardest to keep. It has been a challenge to reach beyond myself and consider the needs of others, but I slowly find opportunities arising to do so. Whether it is the new white belt asking for help with a move or a friend that just needs someone to listen to them or my niece and nephew needing help with their math homework there are now times when I am able to give of myself and feel like what I am giving is not tainted by the selfishness and pain of the past.
Promises are funny things. They are only as strong as the person that makes them. I am becoming stronger every day. And as time passes these three promises are leading me to a treasure I thought was long lost to me. Integrity.
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