My Life as a White Belt - Reflection

Reflection:

                I smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol for close to twenty years.  I went through phases where I was drinking a two liter bottle of Pepsi and eating a box of fast food fried chicken for breakfast, then smoking the remainder of a pack of Marlboros for dinner.  Shortly before starting on the path of jiu jitsu I had ballooned to two hundred fifteen pounds and had failed at my first attempt to quit smoking.  I also felt a ton of anxiety over common stressors that others seemed to be able to take in stride.  I battled depression on a daily basis.

 I look at myself in the mirror these days and see myself transitioning to a much healthier place.  I have lost close to twenty pounds in five months; my diet has greatly improved; I feel good about waking up in the morning.  More than any of that, what makes me feel the greatest sense of accomplishment is that I can see how I am now able to set goals and achieve them.  Whether it is on or off the mat, the things that I want for myself are slowly, but surely, coming to fruition.  I have to stop once in a while and take stock of how this is happening.

Hard work?  Check.  I take care of my job responsibilities and do a little more than is required in order to stay in good standing with my employer.  I am at the gym or on the road (running) whenever possible in order to improve my technique and conditioning.  Perseverance?  For certain.  This process has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever tried to do.  I wake up sore and tired every day.  I make next to nothing and go without whenever possible in order to maintain this lifestyle.  Focus?  Drive?  Motivation?  You better believe it.  I will never go back to where I was.  That pain… that guilt… those feelings of insignificance.  Never.

Greater than any of these, however, is forgiveness.  I have learned how to be kinder to myself.  I have discovered that I will never be capable of accepting love or loving someone else if I do not first love myself.  A cliché?  Perhaps.  But a deep truth, nonetheless.  One that escaped me for far too many years.  Being my own best friend has been the most eye-opening experience of my life.  It has allowed confidence to replace arrogance, wellness to overcome self-destruction, and social empowerment to remove isolation.

I am having friends over to my apartment for the UFC fights tonight.  I am excited to once again feel good about organizing social events and allowing people into my private space.   As I get out of the shower and get ready for the evening, I look again into the mirror.  A different person looks back.  Not perfect, but more capable of being happy than at any other time in my life.  Let’s get ready to rumble!  ;)