Redemption:
Time is a funny thing. A moment can seem to last an eternity. A year can flash by in an instant. The last twelve months are a blur to me, but there are flashpoints that I can remember so vividly that it feels like they continue to happen inside my brain.
The recent calibration of belts at the gym means that in the larger world of jiu jitsu I am a white belt with four stripes. “On deck”, as Coach Tom and Coach Eric like to call it. It means that the blues and purples will be ‘testing’ me over the next while to see if I’m ready to become a ‘citizen’. I like that terminology and the message it carries. White belts are like supplicants; they are applying to earn the knowledge that will allow them to survive and thrive in the jiu jitsu community. Once the basic knowledge has been learned, the performance level shown, and the mat time committed then we become worthy of ‘citizenship’.
I remember a time when the mysticism of martial arts was a turnoff for me. Now I understand more clearly that there has to be a certain amount of leeway for coaches to decide when someone is ready to move to the next level. From what I can tell, jiu jitsu is a lot more clear cut than other martial arts where you honestly have no real idea why you’ve progressed from one level to the next or what the difference is between one belt and another. Jiu jitsu requires you to perform against an opponent or with a partner on a regular basis. It can’t be faked. You aren’t swinging at air. You have a live person struggling with you, sometimes as an obstacle to be conquered and other times as a stepping stone to reach a greater height.
I found out that purple belt’s name, finally. The one that I felt was out of line with me when we first met. He’s a brown belt now and up until very recently I’d found just about every excuse I could imagine to avoid dealing with my negative feelings towards him. His name is Nathan; a large, powerful man with an incredible amount of skill in the jiu jitsu game. He’s approximately my age and has a number of medals under his belt from various competitions. I happened to express some of my frustration to a mutual friend, Nick C. I think he was legitimately confused by the animosity because he knew us both and thought we were both nice guys. With hopes of clearing up the misunderstanding, he mentioned the issue to Nathan.
As one might think, he had no idea that there was a problem at all. We travel in different circles at the gym – him, mornings and me, evenings. So our interaction since that first encounter was very limited. One of those flashpoint moments was about to happen, though I was unaware of it at the time.
Nathan approaches me at the gym and the first thought through my head is “Yep, Nick said something.” He grips my hand firmly and introduces himself and tells me that he’s seen me a lot at the gym, validating my progress and effort along the way. Looking me squarely in the eye, he asks me if he has given offense and I explain how I feel. That’s something new. In the past, I would have hemmed and hawed, withdrawn, or straight out lied. It feels good to express to him that I thought he had acted somewhat elitist and at the very least had hurt my feelings at a time when it could have changed whether or not I continued at the gym.
Nathan’s response is something that I will never forget. He apologized, first and foremost, for the misunderstanding. It wasn’t his intent to make me feel that way. In general, he says, he avoids rolling with white belts because they haven’t developed enough control to avoid injuring themselves or others. I think back to my numerous injuries (ribs, hips, ankles, knees, elbows) and realize that they’ve all come from rolling with other white belts. I’ve never been hurt by a higher belt. He tells me that he’d like to roll with me more often because he’s seen my progress and can tell that my game has developed a lot. I am flabbergasted. This guy isn’t elitist. He’s smart. We talk about longevity in the sport and something he calls ‘flow rolling’. No submissions, just reading feeds and moving with your partner trying to recognize opportunities.
I recognize this opportunity. Personal growth has laid itself out right in front of me. I take Nathan up on his offer to roll. I have a blast, even though it is really obvious that he is light years ahead of me in the skill department. That means so little in the big picture. Every ‘loss’ is a learning experience. I have definitely learned something important. Judgment is best saved for when you’ve had the chance to read the whole book. The cover doesn’t always show what’s inside.
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